http://www.123rf.com/photo_15152602_the-word-dreams-on-wooden-table-on-natural-background.html
What does your heart long for? Or, I guess a better way to put this, is what is your biggest dream? That one thing that when you think about your future you want or see? For some it may be to pay of their student loans, for others it may be a tour of Europe and some just want whatever trial they are going through to be over.
Mine, when I really think about it, is kind of strange and kind of selfish.
This past week at my school, idols seem to be the topic to talk about. At our chapel services and in classes I've heard a lot about how we make idols for ourselves. Having attended church and been involved in Christian organizations throughout high school, I had had it drilled into my head that idols did not have to be golden cows our demi-gods. Idols, simply put, are anything that we choose to put before God. Therefore idols can be just about anything: sex, drugs, popularity, fame; whatever we channel all of our thoughts and energy into. Whenever idols were talked about, I usually stopped paying attention. I never had an issue with sex, drugs or a desire to be popular. So, I never had any idols right? Wrong, very, very wrong.
This past week, God really began to open my heart and eyes to a very, very big idol in my life. As many of you know, this past semester I had some really important things in my life taken from me that were really painful to loose. The most painful of which was a long-term boyfriend.
As I mentioned above, I have a really big dream that my heart longs for. This past week, I realized that I had made this dream of mine an idol. My dream: to get married and be an awesome wife and mommy. Now, this doesn't quite sound strange. But, I had put so much energy, hope, and quite honestly, worth in this dream that I made it an idol.
In my hometown, it's kind of the norm to get married the summer after high school. That's just the way it happens. In fact, every single adult in my family married who they dated in high school. Kind of crazy, but kind of awesome. I thought that this was going to be me too. And, when it didn't happen, I began to put so much effort into making it happen with my relationship at the time that I think I really hurt it.
This dream, kind of became an obsession. It got to the point where I couldn't even enjoy my relationship because all I could think about was "having" to make this work so I could get married. And "having" to make it work soon. In fact, I couldn't even enjoy the engagements of my friends because I would become jealous because they were getting what I wanted. They were getting my dream. I even began to get mad at God because He was not giving me what I wanted.
Looking back, I realize how making this dream of getting married an idol has negatively affected many of my relationships. I couldn't enjoy the moments with my boyfriend at the time because all I could think about was the future. And, when God had other plans, I got so mad at God because He had taken away my dream. How dare He?!? Relationships with my friends were damaged as well because I had distanced myself from them because seeing them in engagements and serious dating relationships made me mad and jealous because I WANTED THAT AND I DIDN'T HAVE IT!
God has really begun to do wonders in my heart. Serious, serious wonders. When the relationship with my long-time boyfriend ended, although I was mad at God, I realized how much I needed Him. I had become okay with being just okay with Him because hey, I was on path to getting what I wanted. To getting my dream. In the process, I had gotten very off course of discovering what He wanted for me instead.
This semester, instead of becoming bitter and completely walking away from God because He didn't give me what I wanted (if I was to be honest, I would say that I was tempted to do this. And really thought about it for a week. This just goes to show how much of an idol this was..). Instead, I want to be so close to Him and so in love with Him that I don't desire anything else but Him.
I do need to insert a disclaimer though: I believe God has given me a desire to get married and be a mommy and I believe one day this is a ministry He wants me to be in. However, I need to desire God more than I desire this. Until that time I need to focus on what God wants me to do instead of how I can make myself get those dreams.
God has done great things semester, and it's not even a month in, because of my desire to do what He wants. He's allowed me to start a group on campus dedicated to ending sex slavery in Arkansas, allowed me to write about this in a column for the newspaper and improved all of my relationships tremendously. This is all happening because my idol is gone, and I'm clinging closer to Him and in the process being more like Him.
Some days, it's still hard. I've made a choice not to be on Pinterest because of all the wedding boards and fear that it would strike up my idol again. When my friends talk about their serious relationships or wedding plans I need to constantly pray that God would take away all jealousy and allow me to rejoice with them. When guys talk to me I need to constantly be praying that God would not let my mind wander past wanting to just be friends with them. It's a constant battle. But, putting God first is always, always worth it.
I had my ex-boyfriend read over this and approve it before posting.
No comments:
Post a Comment