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There are quite a few weird things in this universe of ours. As a previous biology major and a current Child & Family Studies major, I've had the privileged of seeing my fair share of "weird" things. Some fish have the ability to change gender. Clown fish are actually all born male and there is only one female clown fish per colony. When the female dies, she secretes a hormone that causes the largest male clown fish to turn into a female, and the cycle continues. That's really weird. In families, there are also some "weird" issues. Some parents practice un-gender, un-schooling and un-parenting. They allow the child to choose if they want to be known as a male or female, they do not have rules as this hinders the child's creativity and they don't force the child to go to school, instead they believe the entire world is a classroom and the child should only learn what they want. To many modern Americans, this would be "weird".
However, I believe there is something much, much stranger than gender changing fish or gender choosing or weird family structures. It's this thing called forgiveness, and if you think about it, forgiveness goes against just about everything we're taught.
True, deep, meaningful forgiveness is much different than the forgiveness we're taught in kindergarten. When we're 5, someone takes our toy and we tell the teacher. The teacher makes them say they're sorry and we say "I forgive you". Most of the time, we'll be best friends again before the day is out and totally forget about the incident.
The kind of forgiveness I want to talk about is the forgiving of deep hurt. Hurt that slaps you in your face every morning and burns wounds deeper and deeper everyday. It's the kind of forgiveness that people use to forgive unforgivable people: their rapist, the person that murdered their child, the parent that abused and abandoned them.
I've really been struggling to find this kind of forgiveness for the past 3 years! I've been struggling to forgive my parents, specifically my mom. As many of you know, I was raised by my grandparents. My parents had me as teenagers, and neither one of them were emotionally ready to be parents. Growing up, I slowly grew to hate them. Yes, hate. Every time I saw my mom I would become angry. All I could think about was all of the horrible things she had said and done to me. Every time I saw her, I wanted to be as mean as I could and make her hurt just a little of the way she had made me hurt. Although this sounds terrible, I'm being honest.
Over the past two years, this hate I've carried towards my mom has really begun to weigh me down. Last year, my mom reached out to me and wrote me a really kind and sincere apology note. For her, that was a huge step. However, I was so angry at her and so focused on hating her that I didn't even really read it. How terrible is that? I continued to tell everyone and remind myself about the terrible things she'd said and done instead of how she'd reached out.
This past semester, God has really been calling me to forgive my mom, but man, it's so hard! Because honestly, part of me does not want to let that hate go. What I've learned, though, is that hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. This hate is weighing me down so much! Every time my mom has reached out this past year, I've completely shut her down. Instead of acknowledging my mom's effort, and the possibility that she has changed, all I think about is all the horrible stuff from when I was little. And, just believe me when I say there was some horrible stuff.
Being at a Christian college, I'm constantly surrounded by symbols of redemption and forgiveness. It's so easy for me to think "Jesus forgave me, so I'm all set". However, I realized I never really took the time to think how DIFFICULT it must have been for Christ and God to forgive me. We hear, "God loved us so much that He sent Jesus", we make it sound easy. We often forget that we were an ENEMY of God. Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
HOW DIFFICULT it must have been for God to send Jesus, part of Himself, to die for my sins so that He could forgive me! When Christ was being tortured by His own Creation on the cross, God couldn't even look at Him. I wonder if God was mad at Creation like He had been right before the Flood when He regretted creating humans. Here we were, His creation, torturing part of Him. Even after we did that, and Jesus rose from the dead, we still continue to sin against Him in disgusting ways. Do you ever think it's difficult for Him to forgive us?
Many of you would say no, because He loves us so much that it's easy. Well then, I want that kind of love. I talk all the time about how I want to be more like God, and man, I want to mean that. I want to love people SO DEEPLY that it becomes impossible for me to hate them and easy to love them. But, how do I start doing this?
I believe the first step is forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is so much more than just a word. To me, forgiveness is saying, "You wronged me. But I love God so much, that I am able to love you. Loving you does not mean I have to like you, it does not even mean that I am saying what you did is okay. Instead, I am able to look past the fact that you hurt me in a deep way, and try to find that thing that God loves about you and love that aspect of you more than dislike what I dislike about you." Forgiving people makes us free. We don't have to carry around the heavy burden of our hate any more.
Ironically, while I was writing this, "Forgiveness" by Matthew West came on my radio. There was one set of verses that really stood out to me:
However, I believe there is something much, much stranger than gender changing fish or gender choosing or weird family structures. It's this thing called forgiveness, and if you think about it, forgiveness goes against just about everything we're taught.
True, deep, meaningful forgiveness is much different than the forgiveness we're taught in kindergarten. When we're 5, someone takes our toy and we tell the teacher. The teacher makes them say they're sorry and we say "I forgive you". Most of the time, we'll be best friends again before the day is out and totally forget about the incident.
The kind of forgiveness I want to talk about is the forgiving of deep hurt. Hurt that slaps you in your face every morning and burns wounds deeper and deeper everyday. It's the kind of forgiveness that people use to forgive unforgivable people: their rapist, the person that murdered their child, the parent that abused and abandoned them.
I've really been struggling to find this kind of forgiveness for the past 3 years! I've been struggling to forgive my parents, specifically my mom. As many of you know, I was raised by my grandparents. My parents had me as teenagers, and neither one of them were emotionally ready to be parents. Growing up, I slowly grew to hate them. Yes, hate. Every time I saw my mom I would become angry. All I could think about was all of the horrible things she had said and done to me. Every time I saw her, I wanted to be as mean as I could and make her hurt just a little of the way she had made me hurt. Although this sounds terrible, I'm being honest.
Over the past two years, this hate I've carried towards my mom has really begun to weigh me down. Last year, my mom reached out to me and wrote me a really kind and sincere apology note. For her, that was a huge step. However, I was so angry at her and so focused on hating her that I didn't even really read it. How terrible is that? I continued to tell everyone and remind myself about the terrible things she'd said and done instead of how she'd reached out.
This past semester, God has really been calling me to forgive my mom, but man, it's so hard! Because honestly, part of me does not want to let that hate go. What I've learned, though, is that hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. This hate is weighing me down so much! Every time my mom has reached out this past year, I've completely shut her down. Instead of acknowledging my mom's effort, and the possibility that she has changed, all I think about is all the horrible stuff from when I was little. And, just believe me when I say there was some horrible stuff.
Being at a Christian college, I'm constantly surrounded by symbols of redemption and forgiveness. It's so easy for me to think "Jesus forgave me, so I'm all set". However, I realized I never really took the time to think how DIFFICULT it must have been for Christ and God to forgive me. We hear, "God loved us so much that He sent Jesus", we make it sound easy. We often forget that we were an ENEMY of God. Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
HOW DIFFICULT it must have been for God to send Jesus, part of Himself, to die for my sins so that He could forgive me! When Christ was being tortured by His own Creation on the cross, God couldn't even look at Him. I wonder if God was mad at Creation like He had been right before the Flood when He regretted creating humans. Here we were, His creation, torturing part of Him. Even after we did that, and Jesus rose from the dead, we still continue to sin against Him in disgusting ways. Do you ever think it's difficult for Him to forgive us?
Many of you would say no, because He loves us so much that it's easy. Well then, I want that kind of love. I talk all the time about how I want to be more like God, and man, I want to mean that. I want to love people SO DEEPLY that it becomes impossible for me to hate them and easy to love them. But, how do I start doing this?
I believe the first step is forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is so much more than just a word. To me, forgiveness is saying, "You wronged me. But I love God so much, that I am able to love you. Loving you does not mean I have to like you, it does not even mean that I am saying what you did is okay. Instead, I am able to look past the fact that you hurt me in a deep way, and try to find that thing that God loves about you and love that aspect of you more than dislike what I dislike about you." Forgiving people makes us free. We don't have to carry around the heavy burden of our hate any more.
Ironically, while I was writing this, "Forgiveness" by Matthew West came on my radio. There was one set of verses that really stood out to me:
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
When I think about it, God really had to forgive a lot in my life. He didn't have to, but He did. And man, after so many years of carrying around this hate, I just want to be free. I want to be able to talk to my mom without getting angry. I want to be able to ENJOY spending time with her, something that I don't think I've ever tried to do.
So, I'm going to start with saying some pretty awesome things about my mom. First, she chose to have me and give me life, something that some teens who find out they are pregnant chose not to do. That must have been terrifying. Second, my mom is one of the strongest people I've ever met. She's endured so much hurt in her life and still chooses to move forward. Third, my mom gives and gives to others. If someone ever needs something she is there. I remember a few times growing up when one of her friends would need something and she would be there or give them a place to stay. Fourth, my mom still chooses to talk to me and be part of my life even though I've been really nasty.
Confession: The blog post has taken me over a month to write. And last night, as I was reading through it, I broke down crying. I finally did the impossible. At 12:30AM, I called my mom balling, and told her I forgave her and that I loved her. She was shocked. And, let me tell you, I have never felt so FREE in my entire life (I got saved when I was little, so I can't exactly remember how freeing that decision felt). I told my mom that even if she wasn't sorry and even if she didn't change, I still completely forgave her for every single thing she's done and everything she'll do in the future. My forgiveness is not a contract based on terms that if she does X, Y and Z then I'll forgive her. No, my forgiveness is promising to now always look past the hurt she's caused me and love her as close as I can to the love Christ has for her. This was a total God thing. And, as I said, I've never felt so free in my entire life.
I hope this has encouraged you to consider forgiving those who have hurt you very deeply in your own life! Real, genuine forgiveness, I believe, is impossible without God. I believe that the first step to forgiveness, then, is to go to Him and ask for strength and help.
I wonder how many storms we create in our own life by the hate we choose to carry around? How fewer storms may there be if we simply let go of the hate we carry and chose to love and forgive?
Confession: The blog post has taken me over a month to write. And last night, as I was reading through it, I broke down crying. I finally did the impossible. At 12:30AM, I called my mom balling, and told her I forgave her and that I loved her. She was shocked. And, let me tell you, I have never felt so FREE in my entire life (I got saved when I was little, so I can't exactly remember how freeing that decision felt). I told my mom that even if she wasn't sorry and even if she didn't change, I still completely forgave her for every single thing she's done and everything she'll do in the future. My forgiveness is not a contract based on terms that if she does X, Y and Z then I'll forgive her. No, my forgiveness is promising to now always look past the hurt she's caused me and love her as close as I can to the love Christ has for her. This was a total God thing. And, as I said, I've never felt so free in my entire life.
I hope this has encouraged you to consider forgiving those who have hurt you very deeply in your own life! Real, genuine forgiveness, I believe, is impossible without God. I believe that the first step to forgiveness, then, is to go to Him and ask for strength and help.
I wonder how many storms we create in our own life by the hate we choose to carry around? How fewer storms may there be if we simply let go of the hate we carry and chose to love and forgive?
~Yes, before anyone asks, my mom did give me permission to post this. I sent her this entire post and had her read over it and approve it before I posted it :-) ~
Krista,
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for letting God walk you through this journey of forgiveness. It is exciting to see you releasing burdens and living in freedom. The joy on your face is beautiful to see. You are such an encouragement. I am praying for you and I am excited to see what God has next for you.
Much love,
Laura