The Big "T" Issue

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What are you willing to trust God with? I know that sounds like a simple question, but really, think about it...
Will you trust Him with your relationships? Your wealth? Your family? Your dreams? To forgive your past?

Before you answer that, I think a more important question is: what does it even mean to trust God? These are questions that I've always struggled with, especially these past two years.

My Journey 

I've always had a serious worry issue growing up. I worried about ev-er-ry-thing. Seriously. Everything. As I look back, there was not a moment growing up when I wasn't worrying about something. I believe this issue was rooted directly in some of my early childhood experiences. I was born to teen parents, neither of which were ready to have children. My dad was out of the picture for most of my childhood and my mother was an emotional wreck. She hadn't had it easy and looking back, I don't know if I can blame her for being emotionally unstable. If I said something wrong or did something wrong she would start screaming and yelling and would say horrible things. When her boyfriend would come over, I'd have to tip-toe on glass or I would have to deal with him and her. I eventually went to live with my grandparents, but lived in constant fear that if I messed up they'd send me back to live with her. I always had to be good enough so that they would love me and accept me (although being "good enough" is a different topic). That's a lot of pressure for a 7-year-old.

During middle and high school my worry issues got a lot worse. If I didn't get an A on every paper and test I was certain that I wouldn't get into college. I honestly convinced myself of that. If I didn't constantly bend over backwards to please everyone, give people money and gifts (even to people I didn't like) then everyone would hate me and I'd be lonely. In addition to constantly worrying what would happen if I didn't do X Y and Z, I also worried about the future. When I was 16 and still hadn't had a boyfriend I was convinced I was ugly and would be single forever. If a person didn't text me back within 5 minutes they must not want to talk anymore. Yes, you're probably thing "Man, Krista, those thoughts are ridiculous", and I agree.

I never really verbalized these thoughts in fear of being labeled a lunatic. However, by not talking about my worry issue I didn't begin to work through it. When I was 15, I met a group of wonderful friends at a Christian summer camp where we all worked. They were all from wonderful, strong Christian families and I was really able to feed off their wisdom.

When you become really good friends with someone, or are forced to spend a lot of time with someone, you begin to pick up their habits. You know their thinking face and lying face. You know their fake laugh and their real laugh. And my friends began to tell what I did when I was worried. They began to notice that although I tried to hide it, I worried about everything. Especially the silly things, like freaking out when someone didn't reply to a text.

One day, one of those friends said to me, "Kris, do you trust God?" I was caught off guard  "Of course!" I answered. "No, sweetie (she always calls people sweetie. She's a mother in preparation, I swear!), no you don't. If you did, you wouldn't worry so much". Honestly, I was kind of mad. Who was she to tell me that I didn't trust God? On my long drive back home I really began to think about what she said. You can get a lot of thinking done in 2 hours in a car by yourself. What I realized, although not happily, was that she was right. If I trust God, I really wouldn't worry so much. Specifically, this verse came to memory: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." (Phil. 4:6-7)

That verse really hit home! After all, Paul wrote that while he was in prison. He could be beaten or killed at any moment but yet he is not worried? He is telling me, a believer almost 2,000 years later not to worry? Wow. 

These past three years, I'm thankful that by God's grace I've made some major improvements in my worry issue. Don't get me wrong, it's still a struggle. When someone doesn't answer an important text for awhile I have to remind myself that they're busy. When I don't do well on a test I have to remind myself that it won't matter in 20 years. It's a struggle, but I'm gaining ground. 

What I've Learned

Worry goes hand-in-hand with not trusting God. When I choose to worry about something I am telling God that He is not big enough. That He is not strong enough. And that He does not know what He is doing. The God that I believe in is the God that created everything. The God that parted the Red Sea. The God that brought dry bones to life. If I really believe all that, then I should know that a bad test grade is not going to stop God from using me to complete whatever tasks He wants me to complete. Afterall, look at the Israelites! Their sin, captivity and lack of faith could not stop God from having the Messiah be born! 

I know for me, it's difficult to trust God with my future. My dreams and goals, such as to be a wife and mommy, are really important to me. It's what I feel I've been created to do. When I do worry that I'll never get married (I know, I'm 19. I'm just being honest) or be a mom, I have to remember that I am no longer living my life. I am living for Christ. I believe God does give people desires and callings but we choose daily to be slaves to His purpose. Yes slave, read 1 Cor. 7:22. Therefore, I willingly give Christ all of my dreams and desires. I do this because I trust Him so much, that I am willing to say, "Okay God, I know you will do what is best. So I give you everything I have. Especially the things that are important to me". Trusting God is scary but so worth it. And, the more you trust Him, less scary it seems! 

On Earth, when we trust someone, we know we can depend on them. We can tell them a secret and know that they won't tell. We can give them money to go to the store and buy something for us and know that they won't spend any extra. With God, trust is similar. We know that He knows what is best (Jer. 29:11). Even though we face trials and scary moments we know God has everything under control. We don't have to fear because He has the problem solved before we know what the problem is. God is cool like that. 

Trusting God means that although the rainstorm is pouring down and a twister may be coming in the distance, we do not have to be afraid. We know that God has everything all worked out. By worrying, we miss seeing Him do His thing of fixing our problems. He's been fixing problems longer than we've been worrying. Most importantly, though, we miss being able to dance in the rain. 

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