I've Become Bitter

Tonight, I realized that I've allowed the trials of the past few years to make me bitter.

I do a pretty good job at hiding this bitterness, and at times I can even fool myself. I smile, a lot. I laugh, a lot. I enjoy helping other, a lot. And, I even enjoy talking about how awesome God is and how He's provided for me, a lot. But, when push comes to shove, I'm bitter.

Bitterness, is a strange and evil thing. It's hate, jealousy, self-pity, anger at God, unforgivness and discontentment all wrapped it one giant ball of awfulness and cleverly tucked somewhere between your stomach and your heart.

There are a lot of people that have hurt me in my life; people who I trusted and depended upon that have, by their own choice, left me. Every single day something happens that reminds me of someone who has left. When I see parents coming to visit days at school with their children, I remember the situation with me and my parents and in one moment deepen my hate of them (yes, hate), my anger at God and my jealousy towards the person who God chose to bless with parents. This happens All. The. Time. When I see parents with their children, siblings together, good friends laughing together and couples holding hands around campus. I deepen my hate towards the people they remind me of, become angrier at God and become jealous of them. It's a truly vicious cycle.

Even though I did not admit it until tonight, I get mad that God is not punishing the people that have hurt me. In my silent, egocentric view of God and the world, I want God to punish the people that have hurt me, and reward me for not giving up on Him and life itself (which, being totally honest here, I have contemplated both at some time in my life). WHY IS HE BLESSING THOSE WHO HAVE SO DEEPLY WOUNDED ME!?! The people who BY THEIR CHOICE left me with wounds that I must bandage everyday?
Tonight, I even found myself saying this: "Why are you blessing them and not me, Lord? Am I not more worthy of Your blessing than they are? Although you have taken what feels like EVERYTHING from me, I am still here sitting in this pew praising You! God, I cannot sing in church because I am brought to tears because of my hurt. I life up my hands in worship to you, the God who gives and takes away, and choose to still worship You, even though You are taking things from me. God, I am giving up things that I love to follow you. I am worshiping You while You break me. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT WORSHIPING YOU! They are NOT turning to you, in fact they are running from you. Yet, You are choosing to bless them over me? You are giving to them the dreams you took from me. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!"

Additionally, people leaving has left me with some serious trust issues. I've gotten to a point where I refuse to be close to people. I don't want a best friend (even though I do), because I don't want to trust someone and have them leave. I don't ever want to date again (although I do) because I don't want to give someone permission to break my heart. In fact, I'll just push them all away. Which is what I've been doing. I don't even want to talk to my own family while at college because if something were to happen to them, I've convinced myself that the loss will be easier if I've distanced myself.

After all of that, you're probably thinking I have some wonderful answer to give. And, I don't. I wish I did, but I don't.

I know that I have a lot of issues to work through. I need to learn to be content with what God has given me, just as Paul had learned to do in Philippians 4. And how I need to learn to rejoice in every circumstance, just as He also told us to do in that chapter.

So, I can start by making a list of all of the blessings in my life. Blessings that I would like to share with you.

I'm thankful for my great-gramma Taylor (Jon-Jont). Who has been to every single event of mine and has written me one letter a week, without fail, even when I was in Ireland. I love her more than words can say.

I am thankful that God has allowed me to travel the world. Here I am in Northern Ireland. 

I am thankful for my mom. She was brave enough to choose to have me. She is also one of the most giving people I've met. She runs to help any friend in need and stands by them no matter what. She's endured more than many in her life, and I'm inspired by her determination to persevere.

I am thankful for my gramma Donna, who is my hero. She has loved me in a way that cannot be expressed in words. She has given up so much to raise me and allow me to follow my dreams. I love her in such a deep way.
And, for my youngest sister Kayli, who continues to look up to me although I fail her often.

For my beautiful Aunt April, who continues to be my best friend even though I can be so mean to her. She has been there for my through everything, and gets me in a way other people just don't.

For my two youngest cousins, Austin and Emma. Who love singing and talking about Jesus. They warm my heart.

For all of my other cousins who made growing up a blast (missing Corey). 

For these two beautiful girls, Abby and Olivia, sticking with me through thick and thin since we were 16. It's crazy to think all that has happened in 4 years!

And, for these new, amazing, Godly people that God has given me. I am thankful for each of them beyond words.

When I write out these blessings, how can I become bitter? Just in this post God has changed my heart. I AM BLESSED! He is BLESSING ME! I just looks different than I may like.

I'm a Failure with a Big God

Do you ever feel like a failure of a Christian? I think if we're honest we all have those days and moments. Even though we're saved, we're still sinners and will still mess up. Yesterday, I felt like the biggest failure of a Christian that I have ever felt. However, God did not punish me, He did not condemn me, and He didn't even remind me of how much of a failure I really am. Instead, He showed up. He showered me with comfort, mercy and peace. And today, I am having one of the most "in awe" moments of God that I have ever had.

Yesterday, my day started on a Jesus high. Everything was going great, I was feeling encouraged, and I had my internship at the Rape Crisis Center. In the midst of this Jesus high, I posted this as a Facebook status: "My first and only priority is to serve God. When I'm serving Him, everything else falls into place. If serving Him means giving up my own dreams and desires, I'm okay with that." I honestly did mean that, and I still do.

However, you would think that after saying "my first and only priority is to serve God", I'd have a pretty good attitude, and would be focused on my attitude for the rest of the day. But, my day started going downhill from there, and I totally forgot about that status of the Jesus high that I had been on.

On my way home a car cut me off and I swore. Then my gram called and I started stressing out about my trip and asked why God wasn't bringing in the money. Then I stopped to get gas and got frustrated because it told me I had to go inside to use the card. I was so frustrated that I left, only to see that the store put a $151 "hold" on my card since I had attempted to swipe it. I arrived back to campus grumpy, only to have someone say some very hurtful things to me. I called my aunt, crying, and when she didn't agree with me, I yelled at her and hung up. Then, my whole way to work, I yelled at God, and said some pretty mean things. My defense mechanism is "low-blowing" which means when I'm mad at someone, my jab to them is to say something that I know hits a nerve. So, to the God of the universe I said, "You don't even care about me, do you? You didn't give me parents, you didn't make me pretty, and now you're not giving me money! You don't care do you?"
Disclaimer: Looking back on this, and actually reading it, reminds me how foolish and immature I was. But, I'm just being honest about my faults.

For my job, I help take care of an elderly woman in her home. She needs help doing everything, and I enjoy serving her. That night, she began talking about how frustrated she was that she hadn't been able to walk in two years, and her hands were so shaky that she can't even write a letter. Wow, that humbled me.

As I sat there as she washed her hands, God began to humble me, by reminding me of the status I posted earlier. He pointed out my selfishness, harshness and immaturity. If I'm raising money for my trip to Africa because I am going where Christ wasn’t me, then isn't this Christ's trip? If Christ wants me to go, won't He raise the money? And if He doesn't want me to go, won't He not give me the money. Therefore, shouldn't I be okay with people not donating, or not donating as much as I think they should, because it is Christ's trip?

And, didn't God give me an amazing Gramma and Aunt (to whom I was just a huge jerk) to take care of me? Who are more attentive to me and do more things with me than many parents do with their own children? Hadn't He protected me, provided for me, and shown me grace in more ways than many others?

Tears began streaming down my face as I experience God's love, grace and forgiveness in a way that I hadn't in awhile. I was speechless. All I could say was, "God, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And I really felt Him say, "Krista, you're already forgiven."

As I was sitting there in awe, my phone vibrated. I went over, and sure enough, it was an email from Go Fund Me telling me that I had just received a gift for my trip. I began sobbing. I didn't deserve that gift. I didn't deserve God to just spoil me like that. I didn't deserve God's grace or forgiveness. And that's what makes God so amazing: we don't deserve any of it! We do not deserve His grace, mercy or forgiveness. But He loves us SO MUCH He showers us with it.

The first thing I did on the way home was call my Aunt and apologize, who, like God, loved me so much she'd already forgiven me. I was stunned.

But today, man, today God showed off. In my mailbox at schools someone left an anonymous gift of $400! And another friend gave $50! WOW! Just wow. In all of my failure, God cemented that He is God over all of the universe, even over money.

Today, as I'm writing this, I am in complete awe of the God I serve. And, although I still feel kind of like a failure, I am not. I am a sinner redeemed by grace. I am forgiven, and in Christ, there is not guilt nor condemnation, but instead repentance and freedom.

Why Being Single is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

Before I begin I'd like to give an important disclaimer: I am not against dating. I think dating, when people are mature and go about it correctly, is a wonderful thing. Dating looks different to different people, and how you date should be between you, God and your significant other. 

Also, when I talk about the pain of my last relationship, I am in no way saying my relationship was bad. It was not! I was blessed with a guy that protected my integrity. However, it simply was not what God wanted for our lives. I had pushed God out of my life and replaced Him with an idol: the relationship. That is probably what made the healing process so difficult. That being said, let me begin:

Six months ago, I never thought I would be at the place that I am now in my life. A place of complete peace, contentment with life, a faith so deep I cannot describe it with words and completely filled with joy. Six months ago, the thought of the breakup I went through in November would bring me to tears, I felt unsatisfied with God and was an emotional wreck. I. Was. Miserable. Although I was clinging tight to Jesus the peace and joy and just umph of life was not there. So, something drastic had to have happened to bring me to the place that I am now, a place 180 degrees from where I was six months ago. And, if you think about it, six months to make a complete life adjustment is a short amount of time. So, what radical thing happened? Singleness. Singleness happened. 

But, I was single 6 months ago, so am I contradicting myself? Absolutely not. Although my Facebook status may have read single, I was still clinging tightly to the broken pieces of the relationship. I was hanging too tightly to the memories, to the emotions, not only of him, but just of the relationship. What many people do not realize is how important a RELATIONSHIP is, and not just the person. For example, think of your best friend. You probably call them often, take time out of your busy schedule to do things with them, and just have wacky things that you do together. Now, imagine that they suddenly and unexpectedly left your life. Sure, you would miss THEM: their smile, humor, laugh, how they just GOT you. But, you would also miss the relationship: the phone calls, the coffee dates, the wacky things you did together. And, what I've come to learn, is that getting over the relationship actually takes longer. 

When May rolled around, I realized that I was sick of sulking, hurting and just being downright miserable. So, I had a pretty frank, pretty scary conversation with God. I cried out with my hurt, and how I wanted Him so desperately to fill the giant chunk left open in my heart. I had told Him this so many times, but this time not only did I say it, I handed Him over the broken pieces with my bloody hands that they had been cutting. I screamed out for wisdom. And, I did the radical and scary thing: I asked Jesus to make me fall in love with HIM! For Him to show me His goodness in a way I had never experienced. For Him to give me a passion to serve Him and put Him first in every single area of my life. For me to fall in love with Him again so deeply that I would understand what Paul meant when he said, "It is better for you to remain unmarried just as I am" (1 Cor. 7:8). And, I did the hardest thing of all: I asked God to fill me with so much passion, contentment and zeal for Him that if He never brought me a husband to serve with, I would be just as happy. Gulp. And, guess what? God showed up. BIG TIME.

About two weeks after I got home I went to the United Kingdom for 6 weeks. And, that's where God first really began to work. I had the blessing to be able to become really good friends with three fantastic Christian young men. By that time, in 2013, it had been the first time in almost THREE years that I really had deep conversations with guys. When I was dating I had a general rule of not getting into any emotional conversations with guys that I was not dating. So, I had put up this big wall. During the recovery stage, I was so scared of liking a guy again that I avoided guys almost all together. So, to have talks about faith, life and philosophy with wise, Godly young men, was such a blessing. It restored my faith and trust in young men. I also began to start a mental list of what I do want in a future husband. Scratch that, what my future husband will have to have: passion for God, servant heart and ability to talk about deep concepts. 

Me in Northern Ireland!

In Ireland, I also began to fall more in love with God. Being in such a beautiful place, and feeling His healing presence everyday, and being committed to spending daily quiet time alone with Him drew me closer to Him than I had ever been before. I felt the spiritual medicine working, I was beginning to heal. 

The day I landed back in the United States I began working as a camp counselor at a Christian summer camp near my home. WOAH! God really began to do some painful chiseling. Nothing reveals your own selfishness more than having to take care of 10 girls 24/7. Although talking to girls about salvation is more important than sleep, I found myself wanting sleep more. I found myself losing patience. I found my thoughts and motives not always being honorable. Here I was, trying to serve others, and God revealed sinful desires that were buried deep within my heart. If I had not completely committed myself to Him, He would have been unable to reveal those things to me and He certainly would not have been able to begin chiseling away at those things in my life. However, after 8 weeks, as I looked back through my prayer journal, I saw just how much God had changed me by changing my thoughts and motives. And man, I fell so in love with Him as I watched Him give me strength everyday, work in the lives of campers, and speak truth into me through awesome leadership and co-workers. 

Me at Wacky Wednesday at the Camp

So, here I am back in Arkansas at the campus where so much pain had happened. And thankfully, I have not had one single moment of sadness yet. Seriously. God opened doors for me in amazing ways this semester. I am closer to my friends than I ever was before, I have amazing guy friends, a kick butt roommate. But, more importantly, He is revealing the calling that He has for my life for me. I'm currently an intern at the Northwest Arkansas Rape Crisis Center. I have always had a heart for the sexually abused, but man, working here brings it to a whole new level! Even though I see and hear disgusting things, every time I leave, even after doing a survivor intake, I feel fulfilled. Emotionally drained, but fulfilled, because I am where God wants me. I am using the talents He gave me to do what He designed me to do. And, if it had not been for my breakup, for me being stripped of my comforts and deciding to give God everything, I would not be here. I don't know where I would be, but it would not be here. 

I am falling more and more in love with God every second of my life. He is showing me His goodness, His faithfulness, His awesomness. And, in this awesome season of singleness, where my only job and duty is to focus solely on the Lover of My Soul and serve Him by loving on the soul's of others, I am experiencing Him in a way I never could before. 

Today, My God Showed Off

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Everyday, God is awesome. He causes the sun to rise, paints rainbows, sends cool breezes, hears our prayers, calms our storms, gives us hope, gives us comfort...every single second, even in the worst moments of our lives, God is awesome. But today, God showed off. 

I am a weak, fragile human being. I've seen myself fail so much this week. I let some swears slip while trying to drive a stick shift through FIVE major cities at rush hour. I had judgmental thoughts. I've been worried about how this semester would pan out. I haven't had a quiet time in almost a week. Yeah...I've failed God a lot this week. 

And honestly, from a human perspective if I was God, I would be quite frustrated with me (Krista). He has done SO MUCH for me this past year. He has provided over and over and over again. He has comforted over and over and over again. When I cried out He showed up over and over and over again. Yet, for some reason, I still like to trust MY OWN plan. Instead of being in constant fellowship with God, I take breaks. After everything He has done for me, not only my entire life but ESPECIALLY this past year, I become frustrated that I'm still...well...human. But, in all of my brokenness, God showed up today in a BIG way. SO BIG that I was stunned. 

For the past year God has been pulling me back to Him, and at points I've had my heels dug in the sand. I gave up a full scholarship to pursue a degree I thought He was calling me to. He took people I deeply loved out of my life because they were distracting me from Him. He's open and closed big doors. All to bring me to TODAY. To *THIS* point. 

Today, I was offered an internship at the Northwest Arkansas Rape Crisis Center. This is a HUGE deal for me. This past year, although it has been so difficult I do not have a word to describe it, I've continually said yes to God, and no to me. And today, I saw that if we say yes to God He will bless and provide. 

This internship is huge not only because it's what I want to do (Special Victims Advocacy) but because this was the icing on the cake for having this semester work out. He provided me with a workstudy job I wanted. He gave me an extra job (which I began training for today). And, He gave me my dream internship. All of which works together so perfectly that it had to be ordained by Him. 

This week I have felt more peace and joy than I have ever felt in my entire life. And today, THREE PEOPLE saw that. I went to campus and three people said, "Krista, you look so different". When I asked them why, they all said in their various ways, "You just look so peaceful and joyful. Your entire demeanor has changed". That was such a blessing to hear. Because, my heart HAS changed. I have learned to trust in God in a way I never could have unless He had allowed me to walk through the hard time. And look what He just did: He gave me everything *I* wanted for the semester, because I was ultimately seeking *His* will for me. It's pretty awesome when we focus on making our desires what God wants for us.

So, God showed up today big time. He showed me that the pain I've gone through WAS worth it. He showed me how my heart IS changing. He just...blew me away. I know this all may sound petty, but just to actually SEE HIM work everything out; to know I was doing what He wanted, is amazing! To have others say I've changed is SO encouraging!

However, I am still human. And I still need lots of prayer. Tomorrow I have my meeting to figure out my work study schedule. Unless it fits in the very little time I have available, my whole schedule will fall apart. Even though God showed up today in a big way, I'm still tempted to worry. So please, pray for me!

The Road to Hating Myself

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This will probably be the most open, honest and personal blog post that I've ever written, and the idea of publishing it for the entire world to see is a little scary. However, I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I know that my story has value and that it's important to share.

So, I'm just going to be honest: I hate myself. I hate everything about myself: the way that I look, the way I talk, my level of smartness, my personality, everything right down to the color of my teeth. Getting to this dark, lonely place did not just happen, but instead was a long and painful road.

The Beginnings
As everyone knows, I had a rough early childhood. My dad was in jail and I don't remember meeting him until I was 5 (mind you, there are baby pictures with him in it. So he was there but I just didn't remember). He never reached out for me and I'm still continually shocked when he sends me a text on my birthday. He lived in the same town as me growing up but never reached out (okay, I can't say NEVER, but less than 5 times). In high school I went to his house two times a week hoping he'd notice me, hoping he'd reach out. Nope, he never did. Granted, things are better now. I've lowered my expectations and can't be disappointed and I understand that he's in a rough spot. It probably feels really weird to "push" yourself into the life of a child you barely know and who has a different family that she's always with. But, I tell myself, if I was prettier, nicer, smarter, SOMETHING, he would want to be with me more. But I'm not, so some seeds were planted to hate myself.

My mom is a similar situation. She just was not mature enough to have a baby as a teenager. She didn't know how to control her anger or how to balance friends and a baby. She would say mean, nasty things to me. If I was prettier, nicer, kinder, smarter SOMETHING she wouldn't say those things. She wouldn't hate me. (Side note: Mom and I are on much better grounds since I forgave her. I have an earlier blog post about that).

The women that did take care of me and were always there for me struggled with weight. Even though they were the kindest, nicest, most self-less people I've ever met, physical appearance was a huge (no pun intended) deal for them. So, as I grew up and became a pudgie child, SO MUCH emphasis was put on my appearance. I was overweight, I bit my nails, I didn't X or I didn't Y. Even though I know they just wanted the best for me, the seeds of, "You're not pretty, Krista" were planted. Continual failed diets only made this seed of ugliness grow.

Additionally, I never really had any friends growing up, I just didn't fit in. There was a girl down my road that I played with, but she was older and when she went to school our friendship ended. Throughout school I was picked on, teased and just left out. Again, if I was prettier, smarter, kinder they would like me.

High School
During high school things began to change, or, so I thought. I had a best friend. She enjoyed sports and school and science just like I did. However, she ended up ending the friendship my junior year of a Physics notebook. This was probably just the tip of the iceberg for her, but again, I wasn't good enough for someone. If I was so great, she wouldn't have left.

 I developed a core group of close Christian girl friends, and although they lived about 2 hours away, we saw each other almost every weekend. I began dating a super sweet Christian guy who was also athletic and attractive. Dating him made me feel pretty. He was always just a text away when I needed comfort and for the first time between him and my girl friends I felt wanted.

Academically I was also excelling (except in math, math made me feel stupid so I quit). I set the record for the most AP classes taken at my school and completed 2 years of college my junior and senior year. I received a lot of scholarships and was accepted into some pretty selective schools. FINALLY, I thought, I was good enough. However, what I've come to realize is that I was only covering up my wounds instead of fixing them.

The Semester from Hell
Once again, my world came crashing down. I entered college on a full Biology scholarship. However, quickly my world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with mono about a month into school, and a pretty severe case at that. Unable to focus on my school work, my grades slowly slipped into the C and F range. I've always found my comfort in my academic abilities, but I wasn't good enough for college science I told myself, so I quit. And I left the scholarship.

My best friend from high school started going through the roughest time in her life. Through time and distance, we stopped talking, and slowly I've lost our friendship. She chose a boyfriend over me. Again, if I as just a better person, this wouldn't have happened.

The hardest thing to loose though, was my boyfriend. Although I felt our relationship slipping from my fingers I tried so desperately hard to save it. Emotionally, I needed him. But, he left. Again, if I was prettier, nicer, skinnier, funnier, a better Christian, he would have stayed, right?

Today
All of these events have convinced me that I am not pretty, or smart, or really anything. I'm just loud, inappropriate, uneducated, poor and stupid. Honestly, that's how I see myself. I hide all of these insecurities behind a smile and an outgoing personality.

Here in Ireland, I've realized I have a problem. I've grown to hate myself so much that it is impossible for me to taking a compliment. A few times a girl on my trip told me that I looked pretty. My immediate reaction was to think, "Obviously she doesn't see how fat I am". Other people have complimented my personality or things that I've done and my first thought is, "They just feel bad for me". Here's the hard part: I CONSTANTLY feel like a burden on people. When I start to get too close to someone, or a friendship begins to form, I feel uncomfortable and I want to break the friendship. After all, they're just going to leave, right? Just like everyone else. So I might as well end it before I do the TERRIBLE thing of trusting them and depending on them, right? Not only are my friendships hindered, but all relationships. If I "force" you talk to to me for more than 5 minutes, I feel uncomfortable. After all, I'm wasting your time.
Last night, I was talking to a friend, and I realized I had a problem. After 5 minutes I felt uncomfortable, I kept telling myself I had to leave because I was forcing myself upon them and wasting their time because they really didn't want to talk with me, even though they really did!

What I'm Doing
God gave me awesome qualities: I'm empathetic, I am kind, I can be funny, I'm determined, and I have a perseverance that is difficult to match. These are AWESOME qualities. Additionally, God made me to be a beautiful person. I need to focus on these and other truths in scripture.

God loves me in a crazy kind of way. As Paul said to the Romans, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 I am WORTHY of being loved because Christ loves me. I am worthy because Christ tells me so. 

Perspective is everything in life, and I need to change my perspective, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." Psalm 31:30 
I need to change my perspective! I need to stop focusing on charm (my personality, although it's important) and my appearance and start focusing on serving others, loving others, and seeing myself as Christ sees me: a redeemed, forgiven person! How much it must hurt Christ for me to see myself the way that I do. 

So, I'm asking you to pray for me. I need a lot of healing and I also need to know how to heal. I need to change my perspective, and this is hard. Also, if you've gone through a similar experience (I know some of you have!) please DO NOT FEEL ALONE! Feel free to reach out, too. 

My God is so good to me. I need to start embracing His truths about me, a co-heir in Christ. 

"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.  You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Traveling Through

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I've been blessed to be able to do an extensive amount of traveling in my short life. In the past 6 years I've traveled to: Canada, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Italy (3 times), Belize, Egypt, Russia, Singapore and the Philippines. In addition I've traveled extensively in the United States as well. I've seen the Grand Canyon, deserts, Rocky Mountains, Great Lakes, Civil War battle grounds, Disney World, beautiful beaches and New York City among others (honestly, I can't remember all the places I've been in the United States unless someone asked me about specific experiences).

On Wednesday I leave for my next foreign adventure, and my longest one too! For 6 weeks I'll be traveling through Ireland, Northern Ireland and England. Ireland and London are two of the places I've always wanted to visit, so I could not be more excited!

Some pictures from some of my travels:

Germany. This is the castle Disney modeled theirs after

Venice, Italy 

Crooked Tree, Belize

Giza Pyramids, Egypt 

Egypt

Jolly Bee, The Philippines

Medical clinic work, The Philippines 

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA

Sea World, Orlando, FL USA

Since I'll be leaving in 4 days, I'm doing what I always do before a big trip: looking over the packing list, getting my stuff together, making sure I don't need any new shots, and looking at the weather to plan my outfits.
However, something seems different about this trip. Again, I can't help but think that I'm not the same person I was in a lot of these pictures (except maybe the one of me and Shamu, that was taken 2 months ago). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm not the same person. I've grown so much spiritually, in self confidence and in independence. Even though I wouldn't admit it, it was always hard for me to travel abroad because I knew I wouldn't see my family for several weeks. When I went to The Philippines and I found out I could not communicate with my family due to the lack of internet and phone access, I was crushed. Now, I'm honestly more excited to meet up with my friends in Europe then I was to come home. Not once have I thought about how much I'll be able to call home or email. Sure, I'll miss my family. But I've realized I can be successful independently and I can function on my own.
As I said, God has used the trials in the last year of my life to grow me tremendously. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but I'm growing and I'm feeling every growing pain. And, as I've been thinking and preparing for my upcoming trip, I can't help but think about how traveling relates to my Christian walk.

As Paul said in his letter to the Philippians: "...We are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for Him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like His own, using the same power with which He will bring everything under control" (3:20-21).

I've found that I identify myself as an American most when I travel. In order to go anywhere you always have to have your passport on you. When going through customs they always ask you where you are from and your purpose for travel and scan your passport to make sure that you're telling them the truth. Likewise, when I'm visiting another country, I usually begin to realize how awesome home is, especially if the country is much different than mine. In Europe I became thankful I did not have to pay to use public bathrooms back home. In Egypt I became thankful that I can wear shorts without every single man on the street undressing me with his eyes. In The Philippines I became thankful for not only clean drinking water, but water that I can make warm or cold with the turn of a knob.
Likewise, our walks with Christ should constantly remind us that we are citizens of heaven and Earth is simply a travel destination. We're just passing through on an awesome and amazing trip (after all, life really is awesome and amazing!) until we get home. It's like we're at standby at an airport. Except, we don't have to wait in the airport, we get to explore our entire location! At any moment the airline can call us and tell us our plane is ready and we can leave. Likewise, at any moment Jesus can call us home.
Furthermore we need to live like we are citizens of Heaven and not of Earth. As Paul said to Peter:

^"Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls.  Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world" (1 Peter 2:11-12)

When I go to another country I cannot simply become a citizen of that country by visiting. I do not speak the language, I do not dress the same way and most of the time I don't even look like the natives. I am a foreigner. We as Christians should look at our time here on Earth the same way, just as Paul said! We should not look, act or dress the same as Earthly residents. We need to dress in a clean modest fashion, speak in a pleasing way and serve and love others so much that everyone who sees us knows what we are doing is foreign. We are citizens of Heaven, people, and we must act like it!

When traveling a passport proves your citizenship. Our lives should be our passport and show our citizenship. As Paul said to the Corinthians: 

"The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you....This 'letter' is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts" (2 Cor. 3:2-3)

As Paul said, our lives are our recommendation. For my traveling analogy, I say this is like our passports. 

Finally, packing is one of the most important parts of the trip. If I went to Egypt and packed the same clothes I took with me to Germany, I'd be extremely uncomfortable. So, what are you packing for your trip to Heaven? It's a one way final destination flight. Heaven airlines has really weird luggage requirements and actually requires you ship everything ahead of time. Their customs are funky, too. In fact, Jesus told us exactly what we can take:

"Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroy them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store up your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also" (Matt. 6:19-20). 

Although we are saved by grace and not by deeds we can store up our works for Christ in Heaven. Our good works that we do for Him do gain meaning after we are saved. We do not do good works to earn salvation or more love (because we can't) but we do good works to please Him and so that we have crowns to give Him. 

I can't wait to get to Heaven. Have you ever arrived home from a long trip and then got together with people several weeks later to tell stories? It is great! Things that seemed miserable in the moment usually make the best and funniest stories. How much more awesome will it be in Heaven? When all of us sit around eating the best food (hopefully best fried chicken, biscuits and sweet tea ever) and sharing stories from our travels? I CAN'T WAIT!

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This Road That I'm On

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I successfully finished my first year at college! WOOHOO! Today was a big day of reflection for me. It was my first day home alone since I've been back, and it would have also been my 2nd official anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend. I haven't changed my bedroom since August when I left, so my room is literally a time machine. My wall is still covered with pictures of my high school friends, the bookshelf is still messy and there is no trace of the last 9 months of my life. However, as I stand in this room, I realize that I am different. I may have the same name and look the same way that I did when I left, but emotionally and spiritually, I am not the same person. 

 As I look back I'm completely stunned at how much I went through this past year. Major financial issues, changing majors twice, a prolonged sickness, a difficult break-up and the loss of best friends all while being away from home for the first prolonged time in my life. Even though some of my scars are still healing, as I look back I can't help but see God's goodness and mercies. As time has gone on some things have happened that have shown me that I NEEDED to go through that rough spot in my life. I had become so comfortable with being just okay with God that I needed something drastic to happen, to completely strip me down of all my comforts, so I would again be completely dependent upon Him. He did it and it worked. I can honestly say that my faith has never been stronger and I don't feel like I've ever been this close to God. It's a wonderful feeling. And, if I had to go through all of that hurt to get to this place I'm okay with that. 

Last week I read through Philippians, and have never felt a book in the Bible speak to me so much. Having just come out of the most trying period in my life, I honestly felt like Paul was speaking directly to me. Chapter 4 really hit home for me, almost all of it, but especially this verse:

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little" Philippians 4:11

As soon as I thought that, I remembered 1 Peter 1:7 "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world". 

My first thought to that was, "Yup, God, You've tested me. I've proven faithful, now please don't test me again for awhile." As soon as I thought that I felt guilty. If anything, It think that shows my LACK of faith and dependence upon Him. He's provided in crazy ways as He's chipped off things that have been hindering my walk with Him. 

But I'm tired, I am worn. I feel like God has taken everything from me that I've held dear. And, being in my room surrounded by the pictures of me smiling the biggest smiles I've ever had because I had everything that I wanted doesn't help. However, this makes me realize how selfish I am. Even though I was happy then, having everything I wanted, I should even be more happy now because I'm the place where God wants me to be. Sure, I may not have the relationships, the money or the status I had in these pictures, but what those pictures don't show is my heart. Although I was happy and claiming to be close to God, I wasn't as close as I could have been. I kept pushing Him aside to make time for other things. Now, I feel closer to God than ever. I trust Him more than ever. And, in sight of eternity, that is what is important. My friends will fail me, they have. My money will fail me, it has. Boys will fail me, they have. But God, God will never fail me. Even the pain that He allows me to go through is BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! And He knows that in the long run, I need to chip some things out of my life that could be bad for me in the long run. Since He's all knowing, He knows what those things are. This thought process reminded me of: 

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). 

When I chose to become a Christian, I chose to give up my dreams, desires and wants for what Christ wants for my life and the ministry that He has called me to to serve Him. I need to work on getting rid of my selfish desires, my Earthly desires, in pursuit of what He wants for me. Because what He wants for me is way better than anything I could ever think of. He knows the future and how everything will work together. I don't. 

So, God has done some crazy things this past week that have stirred up all of my big worry issues:

1. I lost my job. A job that I love that was my main source of income I lost for what I believe to be unfair reasons. Thought: There goes my car next year and here comes the financial stress. 
2. I had some unexpected bills come up that I had to tap into the rest of my savings (that was going to be the spending money on my Ireland trip) to pay for the bills. Thought: Hellos financial stress, goodbye awesome vacation. 
3. One of my good friends wants nothing to do with me. Thought: Hello self-worth issues

However, as soon as these thoughts came into my head, I tried to remind myself how awesome God has been to me and how He has provided for me. I'm thankful that He will continue to test me a try me until I am completely reliant upon Him and no longer have those thoughts. He'll provide, He always does. 

And, God has shown that, this past week has been CRAZY!!! I'm home and realized home is a lot more awesome then I remembered. Things are in the works that God may be providing me with a car. There a job opportunities. And, God has allowed an awesome boy into my life. A boy that is showing me I can get butterflies again, and that there are guys that love the Lord more than themselves and desire to serve Him in awesome ways. Yup, God is in the process of doing crazy, awesome things in my life. 

Thank you for sharing in this thunderstorm in my life through this blog this semester. I currently plan not to blog again until next semester, however, I know God will be doing amazing things this summer in my life. I cannot wait to see what they are!

Thank you for dancing with me, and I hope my stories of how God is working in my life have helped you splash in the puddles of your storms a little more ;-)