Do you ever feel like a failure of a Christian? I think if we're honest we all have those days and moments. Even though we're saved, we're still sinners and will still mess up. Yesterday, I felt like the biggest failure of a Christian that I have ever felt. However, God did not punish me, He did not condemn me, and He didn't even remind me of how much of a failure I really am. Instead, He showed up. He showered me with comfort, mercy and peace. And today, I am having one of the most "in awe" moments of God that I have ever had.
Yesterday, my day started on a Jesus high. Everything was going great, I was feeling encouraged, and I had my internship at the Rape Crisis Center. In the midst of this Jesus high, I posted this as a Facebook status: "My first and only priority is to serve God. When I'm serving Him, everything else falls into place. If serving Him means giving up my own dreams and desires, I'm okay with that." I honestly did mean that, and I still do.
However, you would think that after saying "my first and only priority is to serve God", I'd have a pretty good attitude, and would be focused on my attitude for the rest of the day. But, my day started going downhill from there, and I totally forgot about that status of the Jesus high that I had been on.
On my way home a car cut me off and I swore. Then my gram called and I started stressing out about my trip and asked why God wasn't bringing in the money. Then I stopped to get gas and got frustrated because it told me I had to go inside to use the card. I was so frustrated that I left, only to see that the store put a $151 "hold" on my card since I had attempted to swipe it. I arrived back to campus grumpy, only to have someone say some very hurtful things to me. I called my aunt, crying, and when she didn't agree with me, I yelled at her and hung up. Then, my whole way to work, I yelled at God, and said some pretty mean things. My defense mechanism is "low-blowing" which means when I'm mad at someone, my jab to them is to say something that I know hits a nerve. So, to the God of the universe I said, "You don't even care about me, do you? You didn't give me parents, you didn't make me pretty, and now you're not giving me money! You don't care do you?"
Disclaimer: Looking back on this, and actually reading it, reminds me how foolish and immature I was. But, I'm just being honest about my faults.
For my job, I help take care of an elderly woman in her home. She needs help doing everything, and I enjoy serving her. That night, she began talking about how frustrated she was that she hadn't been able to walk in two years, and her hands were so shaky that she can't even write a letter. Wow, that humbled me.
As I sat there as she washed her hands, God began to humble me, by reminding me of the status I posted earlier. He pointed out my selfishness, harshness and immaturity. If I'm raising money for my trip to Africa because I am going where Christ wasn’t me, then isn't this Christ's trip? If Christ wants me to go, won't He raise the money? And if He doesn't want me to go, won't He not give me the money. Therefore, shouldn't I be okay with people not donating, or not donating as much as I think they should, because it is Christ's trip?
And, didn't God give me an amazing Gramma and Aunt (to whom I was just a huge jerk) to take care of me? Who are more attentive to me and do more things with me than many parents do with their own children? Hadn't He protected me, provided for me, and shown me grace in more ways than many others?
Tears began streaming down my face as I experience God's love, grace and forgiveness in a way that I hadn't in awhile. I was speechless. All I could say was, "God, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And I really felt Him say, "Krista, you're already forgiven."
As I was sitting there in awe, my phone vibrated. I went over, and sure enough, it was an email from Go Fund Me telling me that I had just received a gift for my trip. I began sobbing. I didn't deserve that gift. I didn't deserve God to just spoil me like that. I didn't deserve God's grace or forgiveness. And that's what makes God so amazing: we don't deserve any of it! We do not deserve His grace, mercy or forgiveness. But He loves us SO MUCH He showers us with it.
The first thing I did on the way home was call my Aunt and apologize, who, like God, loved me so much she'd already forgiven me. I was stunned.
But today, man, today God showed off. In my mailbox at schools someone left an anonymous gift of $400! And another friend gave $50! WOW! Just wow. In all of my failure, God cemented that He is God over all of the universe, even over money.
Today, as I'm writing this, I am in complete awe of the God I serve. And, although I still feel kind of like a failure, I am not. I am a sinner redeemed by grace. I am forgiven, and in Christ, there is not guilt nor condemnation, but instead repentance and freedom.
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