This Road That I'm On

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I successfully finished my first year at college! WOOHOO! Today was a big day of reflection for me. It was my first day home alone since I've been back, and it would have also been my 2nd official anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend. I haven't changed my bedroom since August when I left, so my room is literally a time machine. My wall is still covered with pictures of my high school friends, the bookshelf is still messy and there is no trace of the last 9 months of my life. However, as I stand in this room, I realize that I am different. I may have the same name and look the same way that I did when I left, but emotionally and spiritually, I am not the same person. 

 As I look back I'm completely stunned at how much I went through this past year. Major financial issues, changing majors twice, a prolonged sickness, a difficult break-up and the loss of best friends all while being away from home for the first prolonged time in my life. Even though some of my scars are still healing, as I look back I can't help but see God's goodness and mercies. As time has gone on some things have happened that have shown me that I NEEDED to go through that rough spot in my life. I had become so comfortable with being just okay with God that I needed something drastic to happen, to completely strip me down of all my comforts, so I would again be completely dependent upon Him. He did it and it worked. I can honestly say that my faith has never been stronger and I don't feel like I've ever been this close to God. It's a wonderful feeling. And, if I had to go through all of that hurt to get to this place I'm okay with that. 

Last week I read through Philippians, and have never felt a book in the Bible speak to me so much. Having just come out of the most trying period in my life, I honestly felt like Paul was speaking directly to me. Chapter 4 really hit home for me, almost all of it, but especially this verse:

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little" Philippians 4:11

As soon as I thought that, I remembered 1 Peter 1:7 "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world". 

My first thought to that was, "Yup, God, You've tested me. I've proven faithful, now please don't test me again for awhile." As soon as I thought that I felt guilty. If anything, It think that shows my LACK of faith and dependence upon Him. He's provided in crazy ways as He's chipped off things that have been hindering my walk with Him. 

But I'm tired, I am worn. I feel like God has taken everything from me that I've held dear. And, being in my room surrounded by the pictures of me smiling the biggest smiles I've ever had because I had everything that I wanted doesn't help. However, this makes me realize how selfish I am. Even though I was happy then, having everything I wanted, I should even be more happy now because I'm the place where God wants me to be. Sure, I may not have the relationships, the money or the status I had in these pictures, but what those pictures don't show is my heart. Although I was happy and claiming to be close to God, I wasn't as close as I could have been. I kept pushing Him aside to make time for other things. Now, I feel closer to God than ever. I trust Him more than ever. And, in sight of eternity, that is what is important. My friends will fail me, they have. My money will fail me, it has. Boys will fail me, they have. But God, God will never fail me. Even the pain that He allows me to go through is BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! And He knows that in the long run, I need to chip some things out of my life that could be bad for me in the long run. Since He's all knowing, He knows what those things are. This thought process reminded me of: 

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). 

When I chose to become a Christian, I chose to give up my dreams, desires and wants for what Christ wants for my life and the ministry that He has called me to to serve Him. I need to work on getting rid of my selfish desires, my Earthly desires, in pursuit of what He wants for me. Because what He wants for me is way better than anything I could ever think of. He knows the future and how everything will work together. I don't. 

So, God has done some crazy things this past week that have stirred up all of my big worry issues:

1. I lost my job. A job that I love that was my main source of income I lost for what I believe to be unfair reasons. Thought: There goes my car next year and here comes the financial stress. 
2. I had some unexpected bills come up that I had to tap into the rest of my savings (that was going to be the spending money on my Ireland trip) to pay for the bills. Thought: Hellos financial stress, goodbye awesome vacation. 
3. One of my good friends wants nothing to do with me. Thought: Hello self-worth issues

However, as soon as these thoughts came into my head, I tried to remind myself how awesome God has been to me and how He has provided for me. I'm thankful that He will continue to test me a try me until I am completely reliant upon Him and no longer have those thoughts. He'll provide, He always does. 

And, God has shown that, this past week has been CRAZY!!! I'm home and realized home is a lot more awesome then I remembered. Things are in the works that God may be providing me with a car. There a job opportunities. And, God has allowed an awesome boy into my life. A boy that is showing me I can get butterflies again, and that there are guys that love the Lord more than themselves and desire to serve Him in awesome ways. Yup, God is in the process of doing crazy, awesome things in my life. 

Thank you for sharing in this thunderstorm in my life through this blog this semester. I currently plan not to blog again until next semester, however, I know God will be doing amazing things this summer in my life. I cannot wait to see what they are!

Thank you for dancing with me, and I hope my stories of how God is working in my life have helped you splash in the puddles of your storms a little more ;-)