The Tragedies and Triumphs of Growing Up.



 

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When do you grow up? This has been the age old question for almost every person and the subject of countless books and movies. First of all, what does it even mean to be a grown up, an adult? According to the dictionary an adult is: a person who is fully grown and developed and has attained the age of maturity as specified by the law. Although that may seem like a cut and dry answer, I really don't think it is. Many people reach sexual maturity at age 13 and legal maturity by 18. However, I've never considered a 13 year old a grown up and consider very few 18 year olds grown ups. Why? The word "grown up", to me at least, connotes to responsibility and emotional maturity. Someone who can make good, responsible decisions under pressure and is able to take care of themselves. Additionally, a grown up has gone through the awkward and slightly painful moment where the realize they're no longer a child.

I'm writing all of this because I feel like the painful moment when I realized I was no longer a little kid happened a few nights ago. Sure, going off to college, having a "real" job and being responsible for all of my own expenses at times make me feel like I'm growing up, but I've never considered myself a grown up.

A few nights ago, an older woman in my community passed away. Although this marks the 4th person that I've known that has died in the past 18 months, her death hit me especially hard. The weird part was that I wasn't even especially close to her. However, she was one of the people that I just never pictured life with out. She had many children, grand children and great grandchildren. Like, a lot. It seemed everyone in her small town was related to her, and if they weren't, they wished they were. I went to school with several of her great-grandkids, and she was at every school event and every community event that ever happened (and in fact led many of the community events).

When I heard of her passing, I was shocked. She couldn't have died, she just couldn't, I thought. I thought back on all of my elementary memories that had her in it, which led to me thinking about times with her great-grandkids, which led me to think of the endless summers growing up and I slowly began to realize I'm not a little kid anymore.

I'm one of the few people, I believe, that can say I had the perfect childhood. Now, it was not free from pain or mistakes. Instead, it was full of long summer days at my great-grandma's (Jon-Jont) playing with my many cousins, camping in Northern Vermont, long days buildings dams in the creek, and starting many business attempts (I was a strange child, but now I have my own business). When I think of my childhood, I think of the picture below:

That's me and my hero, my grandma Donna, on the stone wall in front of our house that borders a huge field. That's my safe place. When I was mad or needed to think, I'd go there. You can see the mountains, watch the horses in the field, watch Gramma make dinner and watch my family members drive home up the hill. When I sat there I'd dream about what I'd be like when I was older. Now, every time I go home I go back and sit on that same rock, and remember what it was like to be little. 

Anyways....that was kind of long, so, my point: 

One of the things that I don't like about growing up is the loss on innocence  The life that you thought would be so great actually comes back to bite you in the rear. The cute boy you dreamt of dating = heartbreak. You couldn't wait to have a job = bills to pay. You couldn't wait to be able to do what ever you want = big mistakes. However, in all of this, God has the opportunity to do wonders. It's at our weakest points that He is able to come in, if we let Him, rebuild our heart, comfort us and help us make better choices in the future. Growing up is one big learning curve. You fail, you learn from it. You make an awesome achievement, you learn from it. 

Another thing I don't like about growing up is that I see all the mistakes I made. I told Gramma I hate her, which is the biggest lie I've ever told. I love that woman more than life itself. However, I now know I really need to guard my thoughts and the connection between my emotions, my thoughts and my mouth. Gram knows I don't hate her. I can't take back what is said, but I know to be careful with what I say. 

It makes me sad that I wasted so much of my childhood wishing I was older. There are so many great things to being little! Now, I need to realize to cherish every stage of my life, like the awesome stage I'm in right now! Instead of looking back or forward, I need to focus on and cherish today. I need to learn from my past and plan for my future, but I essentially need to focus on today and what God wants me to do today. 

Probably the biggest thing I miss about being little is the people. Everyone I loved was still alive, like Grandpa. Man, oh man, I miss him. HOW EXCITING IS IT that when I get to Heaven, I'll be with all my loved ones that have gone before me that believed in Christ! AND, there will be no pain and no sin! No more mistakes! And we'll be together in perfect, perfectness, this is so exciting! I need to focus on pointing my family to Christ, not dreading their eventually death, but looking forward to the awesome reunion. 

Again, most importantly, I need to celebrate being young: Learning from my mistakes, being attentive to where God is calling me and focusing on what He wants to do today. As Paul said,

"Don't let people look down on you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Tim. 4:12 

No matter what stage you are in your life, no matter if you're in a stormy season or a sunny day, realize what God is calling you to do today. Learn from your past, plan for tomorrow, but don't let either of them become idols. Run the good race, and aim to be an example for all in how you act, how you live, your faith and how you love. 

Cut to the Core: One of the Reasons God Allows Us to Hurt

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Do you ever have days, weeks or maybe even months where the pain just seems to cut you to the core?  For me, it's been one of those kinds of weeks. 

As many of you know I really, really value relationships. Whether they are relationships with family members, friends or romantic interests, when I'm in a relationship with someone I love them deeply and want to hold on to the thread that connects us, our relationship, for as long as possible. 

Over this past week, some relationships that I value have been broken or greatly strained. Something happened with my dad, signifying that what little of a relationship we did have is over. Two of my best friends growing up are being hit with great trials, and it hurts me so much to know that I can't be with them to comfort them. One of them has chosen to completely leave my life. And, with Valentines Day this week, especially at a Christian college, I continue to miss my now ex-boyfriend and the long relationship that we had. Needless to say, it's been a rough week. 

On Thursday I locked myself in one of the prayer closets upstairs. It was late at night (or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it) so the dorm was dark and nearly silent. I felt so alone. 

As I was sitting in the empty room I began crying. I wanted so badly to say something to God, but I didn't know what to say. Funny how that happens, isn't it? In the quiet and in my loneliness, I remembered this verse:

"...the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. For we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them." Romans 8:26-28

Wow. It's amazing how God has us remember scriptures when we need it. Even though I didn't know what to say to God in my loneliness, He knew that I was lonely and the entire spectrum of emotions that I was feeling before I even entered that prayer closet. 

While I was sitting there, I felt God ask me: "Krista, what relationships DO you have in your life?" I began to name members of my huge family and greatly valued friends here at school. I realized that this past week I'd been doing something that I've always done: focus on what I've lost or don't have (the negative) instead of focusing on what God has blessed me with (the positive).  I then realized that I should be focusing on building the relationships that I do have instead of crying over the relationships that God has altered for some reason.

The next day when I was doing my devo's, God did something else cool. I'm currently reading through 2 Corinthians during my devotional time and it is quickly tying with Romans as my favorite book (I know having a "favorite" book in the Bible could cause a theological debate, so instead I'll call it: the book that speaks to me the most). The first passage in 2 Corinthians 1 immediately stood out to me: 

"...God is our merciful Father and the sources of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ" 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Again, WOW! God is awesome for prompting me to read this passage. Nothing could have spoke to me more! Honestly, one of the first things I thought was, "Well, it's not fair that I should have to suffer only so I can comfort others". I immediately realized how silly of a thought that was, but in case you thought it I wanted you to realize that you were not alone. BUT! It has long been said that empathy (the ability to understand or share feelings with another) is one of the greatest feelings that a human can have. And, after reading this and the Romans 8 passage I believe it is further proof that we are made in the image of God, as He Himself is *the* great empathizer!  

Perhaps God is allowing me to go through the very difficult trials that I am going through, and you to go through the very great trials that you are going through, to accomplish great things for Him! Perhaps, one day in life, because of the pain from the relationships I've lost I will be able to tell someone who is hurting, "I understand how you feel! I was there, let me tell you how God carried me through it." Because, above, God promises to be the great giver of comfort! He will carry us through anything that He has brought us to and continue to comfort us until the trial or pain eventually ceases. As He said: The more we suffer for Christ, the more He will shower His comfort on us! I don't know about you, but just that verse gives me a great deal of comfort! 

Now, some of you may think I'm silly to say that I am suffering for Christ by loosing these relationships. I agree, since I don't know the future, I cannot say that. What I am saying, though, is that God is refining me. He is altering relationships for some great purpose that I am yet to see! I pray so very much that God uses these trials that I've gone through to allow me to comfort others and to point them to Him! He'll give me the comfort. How awesome it will be if my suffering, if my pain, allows me to empathize with someone else and show them that God is the ultimate giver of comfort! 

I pray that if you're going through something, this post has provided you with some comfort. Praying for you! Keep marching on through the painful days and weeks. God will provide the comfort. And, you pain is not without some greater purpose! 

A Painful Kind of Longing

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What does your heart long for? Or, I guess a better way to put this, is what is your biggest dream? That one thing that when you think about your future you want or see? For some it may be to pay of their student loans, for others it may be a tour of Europe and some just want whatever trial they are going through to be over. 

Mine, when I really think about it, is kind of strange and kind of selfish. 

This past week at my school, idols seem to be the topic to talk about. At our chapel services and in classes I've heard a lot about how we make idols for ourselves. Having attended church and been involved in Christian organizations throughout high school, I had had it drilled into my head that idols did not have to be golden cows our demi-gods. Idols, simply put, are anything that we choose to put before God. Therefore  idols can be just about anything: sex, drugs, popularity, fame; whatever we channel all of our thoughts and energy into. Whenever idols were talked about, I usually stopped paying attention. I never had an issue with sex, drugs or a desire to be popular. So, I never had any idols right? Wrong, very, very wrong. 

This past week, God really began to open my heart and eyes to a very, very big idol in my life. As many of you know, this past semester I had some really important things in my life taken from me that were really painful to loose. The most painful of which was a long-term boyfriend. 

As I mentioned above, I have a really big dream that my heart longs for. This past week, I realized that I had made this dream of mine an idol. My dream: to get married and be an awesome wife and mommy. Now, this doesn't quite sound strange. But, I had put so much energy, hope, and quite honestly, worth in this dream that I made it an idol. 

In my hometown, it's kind of the norm to get married the summer after high school. That's just the way it happens. In fact, every single adult in my family married who they dated in high school. Kind of crazy, but kind of awesome. I thought that this was going to be me too. And, when it didn't happen, I began to put so much effort into making it happen with my relationship at the time that I think I really hurt it. 

This dream, kind of became an obsession. It got to the point where I couldn't even enjoy my relationship because all I could think about was "having" to make this work so I could get married. And "having" to make it work soon. In fact, I couldn't even enjoy the engagements of my friends because I would become jealous because they were getting what I wanted. They were getting my dream. I even began to get mad at God because He was not giving me what I wanted. 

Looking back, I realize how making this dream of getting married an idol has negatively affected many of my relationships. I couldn't enjoy the moments with my boyfriend at the time because all I could think about was the future. And, when God had other plans, I got so mad at God because He had taken away my dream. How dare He?!? Relationships with my friends were damaged as well because I had distanced myself from them because seeing them in engagements and serious dating relationships made me mad and jealous because I WANTED THAT AND I DIDN'T HAVE IT! 

God has really begun to do wonders in my heart. Serious, serious wonders. When the relationship with my long-time boyfriend ended, although I was mad at God, I realized how much I needed Him. I had become okay with being just okay with Him because hey, I was on path to getting what I wanted. To getting my dream. In the process, I had gotten very off course of discovering what He wanted for me instead. 

This semester, instead of becoming bitter and completely walking away from God because He didn't give me what I wanted (if I was to be honest, I would say that I was tempted to do this. And really thought about it for a week. This just goes to show how much of an idol this was..). Instead, I want to be so close to Him and so in love with Him that I don't desire anything else but Him. 

I do need to insert a disclaimer though: I believe God has given me a desire to get married and be a mommy and I believe one day this is a ministry He wants me to be in. However, I need to desire God more than I desire this. Until that time I need to focus on what God wants me to do instead of how I can make myself get those dreams. 

God has done great things semester, and it's not even a month in, because of my desire to do what He wants. He's allowed me to start a group on campus dedicated to ending sex slavery in Arkansas, allowed me to write about this in a column for the newspaper and improved all of my relationships tremendously. This is all happening because my idol is gone, and I'm clinging closer to Him and in the process being more like Him. 

Some days, it's still hard. I've made a choice not to be on Pinterest because of all the wedding boards and fear that it would strike up my idol again. When my friends talk about their serious relationships or wedding plans I need to constantly pray that God would take away all jealousy and allow me to rejoice with them. When guys talk to me I need to constantly be praying that God would not let my mind wander past wanting to just be friends with them. It's a constant battle. But, putting God first is always, always worth it.

I had my ex-boyfriend read over this and approve it before posting.