Disclaimer: The above picture is just super cute and is only kind of related to my post :-)
Okay, so here's me be open and honest to the entire internet world: Okay, well, more to like the 20 or so people that read my blog posts :-)
I'm going to open myself up tonight a lot more than I usual do, and talk about my current biggest sin issue. Although when I say current, I should say the sin issue that has been plaguing me all semester. Although I've struggle with it my entire life, this semester it has been particularly bad this semester.
I have a serious jealousy issue. To many of you this may not seem like that big of an issue, but I've begun to notice how it is beginning to creep into almost all of my relationships.
Although I get jealous about just about everything, although I hardly ever verbalize it, the two things I get most jealous about are money and relationships. Not money in the sense that I want to be rich, but money in the sense that it annoys the snot out of me when I feel people don't have to work for anything. You know, heiresses or just incredibly lucky people.
This past year has been tough financially for me. I've worked two jobs while trying to run my own organic cookie dough business just to make ends meet. I don't have a car, because every single penny I have goes to paying for living expenses since my family is unable to help pay for any of my school. So, here I am working my butt off just to make my school payments on time and buy toothpast at Wal-Mart and there a kids driving around $40,000 cars. They don't have to do workstudy. They don't have to do anything. Yup, I'm jealous.
Or, even more than money is relationships. I get SO JEALOUS of people that have stable family lives that I find myself getting angry towards THEM, even though they didn't choose which family to be born into. I get jealous when people have awesome boyfriends, because I've been single for 6 months now and 0 guys have shown actual interest. Other people are getting engaged and married, and even though that would not work well in my life right now, I get jealous because that's what I want some day.
Although I have these feelings, I don't verbalize them. Even though jealousy eats me to the core I try to smile and pretend that I'm happy for everyone. And, although I am happy, part of me wishes that I could switch lives with them for just a few hours.
God has really been working on my heart these past few weeks. And, to anyone else out there struggling with jealousy, I'd like to share what I've learned.
First, why is jealousy bad? I believe it's bad because it directly takes away from the joy that I should have about what God is doing in my own life. I should not seek to have the life or story that someone else has because I am not them. I should not want the same story that someone else has. I should be excited about everything that God is doing in my life.
I also need to learn to be content where God has placed me. As Paul said when he was in jail and writing to the church in Phillipi, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Phil. 4:12) Again, I need to be excited for what God is doing in the lives of others and also what He is doing in my own life.
When I became a Christian, I agreed to give up all of my own wants and desires for what God wants for me. If God has a plan for me that involves not getting married, not only do I need to be okay with that, I should be excited for that because His plans are SO MUCH BETTER than anything I could ever want. Because, well, He's God and knows me and everything better than I ever will.
Finally, jealously hurts relationships. I've seen it first hand. I become ill intentioned about EVERYTHING and almost towards EVERYONE because EVERYONE has something that I want (or so it seems). How can I really love someone if I'm secretly resenting them? How can I really be friends with them when I can't listen to their hurt because I'm constantly comparing it to my own? The truth is I can't. One day I want people to look at my and see the love of Christ. I can't do this if I have jealousy.
I hope that if you're struggling with jealousy I've been able to encourage you a little bit :-)
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" (James 5:16)
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