Control Freak Problems

Today I had one of the biggest, and quite humbly, epiphany's of my life: what if God has allowed me to go through so much to show me that He is worthy of my trust and that I can just let go? However to me, not only is this extremely difficult, I'm feeling like it may be impossible.

I'm an organized control freak. This is an aspect of my life that I've ignored about myself for the good part of my life, and an aspect that has become so out of control, that it is completing reshaping who I am. In the past few weeks, God has been revealing this rather now annoying character quality about myself to me.

My life has been so chaotic that I've needed to become a control freak so that my life does not fall apart. When I was little, the adults talked about how I was "never just a kid" and "always independent". Seriously, from the time I was 5, I was obsessed with making money. Not making money to be rich, but making money so that I wouldn't need to depend upon other people to buy me things. Throughout my childhood I had a variety of short lived business schemes so that I could always have cash in the box beneath my bed, just in case.

During my later childhood until I was about 16, my control freak tendencies about providing for myself subsided and I became obsessed, literally obsessed, with planning. From the time I was 8 I was researching colleges, pulling up their academic catalogs and planning my 4 year plan at that institution. At 8! 8! I began looking at houses where I wanted to live and plugging the value of the home into mortgage calculators to figure out how much my mortgage would be, thus, what kind of income I would need to achieve this goal.

In many ways, these planned out dreams became my fuel for success. I wanted nothing more than to not be my parents. And, as a little kid, the way to be most opposite of them was to have a solid career, a big house and a nice chunk of change in the bank. I was convinced that the reason  they did not achieve these things was because they did not plan. Therefore, not only did I have to plan, I had to plan perfectly. I convinced myself that if I didn't plan one single thing, I risked turning into my parents. 

This control freak nature, I'm learning, has echoed into my relationship with God. I feel like I can't control God. How awful is that?!? I feel like I can't trust the Creator of the Universe.

I first began to see this when I was 17. January 2011 was one of the most difficult turning points of my life, I feel like I lost everything. I became super sick and I was unable to play sports anymore. My Grandpa, the best man in my life, my father figure and my provider, died unexpectedly. I grew up never having to work for anything, having everything handed to me on a silver platter, and now my Grandma and I were wondering how we were gonna pay pills. I was angry, I was frustrated. I saw our despair as a result of poor planning. Sure, I turned to God. But if I was totally honest, it was with the attitude, "YOU made this mess happen, now YOU fix it!"

The seldom areas of my life that I wasn't controlling over, I was after that winter. God could not be trusted with my life. Sure, I prayed to Him, thanked Him and asked Him for things, but that was it. I still felt like God wasn't providing. Surely, I thought, if YOU put me through THAT much hurt, You will shower me with blessings. Nope, didn't happen. Looking back I now realized that being a control weak also made me very selfish.

Then, something crazy happened: I fell in love. For the first time, ever, I trusted someone. I trusted him with my secrets, my affection, and gave them the freedom to plan stuff. If you know me you know how this worked out: it didn't.
I was crushed. I'd planned my life with and around this guy. Once again, my lack of being in control, of trusting him and God, caused me to get hurt. This was the icing on the cake to an extremely difficult semester, which didn't make the situation any easier.

Once again, I turned to God. Although, this time I gave more of a surrender. I was so broken that I told Him He could have my life, and do with it as He pleased. As a result, God did some crazy things. He lead me to change my major and start a ministry, and has greatly blessed both of them.

But this year, I've slowly slipped back into my controlling patterns. This year, God has blessed me with the greatest friends I have ever had, or could ever hope for. They are dependable, loving, and love me for me, even with all of my junk. They are answers to many nights of prayer. Although I'm very grateful for my close girl friends, my guy friends are making an impactful difference in my life, and have revealed my control issues.

My guy friends,  have gone above and beyond to show that they are worthy of my trust. However, part of me still feels like *I* have to be in control. If I don't invite them to hangout weekly, or if I don't seek them out (aka be in control of our friendship) then I believe they will leave. However, I then get mad when they don't seek me out. How messed up is that? Perfect example: My Birthday and Valentine's Day.

My birthday is an important day for me. Being affirmed and shown that I'm valued, although I'm embarrassed to admit it, I need to be affirmed (don't worry, this is something that I'm working on). Throughout the semester, I plan birthday parties for my friends and I dropped hints about how much I loved birthdays, secretly hoping that someone would hear me and would plan ME a birthday party. Well, when my birthday did roll around, I assumed no one had heard me and began planning my own party. Only to discover that my friends HAD been planning me a surprise party. It was an awful feeling to realize that these people are worthy of my trust and yet I don't trust them.

Then, Valentine's Day, aka the biggest humble pie moment of my life, happened. I became super nervous that I wouldn't get any cards. So, what did I do? Began planning. One of my good guy friends and I agreed to get each other a Valentine's card. When Valentine's Day arrived and rolled around and there were no cards and my mailbox, I began to panic. Of course he didn't get me a card, I thought, of course! So, I began asking him about it, which he got offended and said, "Don't you trust me?" I said yes, but deep down was screaming no, assuming that he just didn't me one. Well, I was wrong, I was very wrong. When I went back to my room, there was a huge card sitting on my bed. Not only did it take him hours to design, there were also very kind notes, some which moved me to tears, written by over a dozen of my friends.


So, here I was, planning everything, believing that no one would get me anything.Yet, if my plans had gone the way I wanted, I would have missed out on this huge surprise blessing.

Throughout this semester, God's been showing me that I just need to stop planning, and my friends are showing me this as well. In chapel this week, we talked about the problems with being a control freak. In one of my classes this week, we also talked about being a control freak. My friends, have talked to me about my planning/control freak tendencies. And, yesterday (when I began writing this) I realized that I am a control freak because I'm scared. 

There's something going on in my life right now that I can't control. It's driving me nuts, because it has the potential to impact the rest of my life an I can't control it. I'm having to fully trust God and not plan. This is wonderfully terrifying. It's freeing, yet I'm scared because I'm waiting for everything to fall apart due to my lack of planning.

But: what if everything does fall apart? Hasn't God put back the broken pieces of my life over and over again and in the process formed a beautiful mosaic?

God, is worthy of my trust. He knows what He is doing. And, as I'm slowly realizing and releasing my control freak tendencies, these verses keep coming to mind:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"~Proverbs 5-6

"Just as you cannot understand the paths of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing inside its mother's womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things" Ecclesiastes 11:5

Send Someone Else

"Send someone else!" Is something I think God hears from thousands, maybe millions, of people each day. During this past semester, He's heard it from me at least a few dozen times.

Over the past year God has made it exceedingly clear what He wants me to do: "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and the helpless and see that they get justice" (Proverbs 31:8-9). I feel He's been calling me to help oppressed children, specifically orphans and those suffering from the horrors of sex slavery.

So, what did I do when He made it so strikingly clear that He wanted me to do this? I told Him, "no". I kindly reminded Him that His will for my life was to live in the upper middle class, marry a solid guy, have two children and use the extra money that we weren't using for vacations to give to kids in our church going on short term mission trips. I wanted the cookie cutter Christmas card with a handsome guy and two kids that resemble us. I wanted the freedom to wear designer clothes. I wanted to obtain my dream of living in a big log cabin.

But then God reminded me that this was what I wanted for my life, not what He wanted me to do. And this, friends, was a hard pill to swallow.

I've spent my entire life running from the fear of ending up at the same socioeconomic level of my parents. Once I've reached the upper middle class, I'll be able to chillax and listen to God more, I've thought. I've worked so hard to get where I am. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to rise out of broken home and become a first generation college student? It's pretty flipping hard. And now, God was telling me to give up all of my physical possessions, and go to some other part of the world, to once again be poor? No thank you!

Slowly but surely, God began to work on my heart and my mind. Ironically, I'm in a class this semester called, "Critical Concern with Children", where we literally learn about everything terrible that could happen to a child: physical and sexual abuse, trafficking, organ harvesting, foster care, orphans, AIDS, wars...the list goes on and on. Every class my heart broke. Why aren't people doing something to help these children?

In preparation for one of these classes, I had to read an exceptionally difficult article. I threw my papers across my room, sprawled out on my bed, and just cried. I yelled out at God, "How can You let this happen? Why aren't You protecting these innocent children? Why aren't You sending people to help them?" And although I didn't hear an audible voice, I felt God clearly say in my heart, "Because they keep telling me no, just like you." Talk about a big piece of humble pie.

That moment, I did something slightly radical. I pulled out in prayer journal and wrote (so I would have proof that I actually told God this):

November 11, 2013

God,

You've laid TOO big of a burden on my heart: end trafficking and give every orphan a home. I CANNOT do this. But YOU CAN! And God, USE ME! SEND ME! ENABLE ME! To do this....God, I'm giving you EVERYTHING! My dreams, my career, my future marriage, my home, HOW you will bring me children, my future children and my finances. It's all Yours. TAKE IT! USE IT! USE ME! SEND ME! Enable ME!"

Giving that to Him was one of the most freeing and terrifying things that I've ever done. And guess what, God began working super quick.

Within the next week, my trip to Africa became fully funded, the ministry at school that I lead hosted a successful Rape Awareness Week that led to at least 2 girls getting into counseling, and I was asked to go to Bulgaria to work with an anti-trafficking organization. Holy. Smokes. 

This got me wondering: if God can do all this in less than a month in the life of a college student, what more could happen if Christians around the world did this? What if we all began focusing on the eternal and not the temperal.

Let's face it: One day, you're gonna die. Two hundred years from now, no one will remember you here on Earth. Even if you make the text books, no one will remember YOU, just something you did. Your college degree will one day fall off the wall or be taken down. Your home will one day disappear. Your clothes will eventually be in a thrift store. Yet, we work SO HARD to obtain this stuff, and focus SO LITTLE on the most important eternal thing: leading other people to Salvation through Jesus Christ. 

Remember me in your prayer times. Pray that God will continue to give me guidance and courage to do the impossible: end trafficking and help every orphan find a home. Pray that I'll remember: "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with people is possible with God'" (Luke 18:27). 

I've Become Bitter

Tonight, I realized that I've allowed the trials of the past few years to make me bitter.

I do a pretty good job at hiding this bitterness, and at times I can even fool myself. I smile, a lot. I laugh, a lot. I enjoy helping other, a lot. And, I even enjoy talking about how awesome God is and how He's provided for me, a lot. But, when push comes to shove, I'm bitter.

Bitterness, is a strange and evil thing. It's hate, jealousy, self-pity, anger at God, unforgivness and discontentment all wrapped it one giant ball of awfulness and cleverly tucked somewhere between your stomach and your heart.

There are a lot of people that have hurt me in my life; people who I trusted and depended upon that have, by their own choice, left me. Every single day something happens that reminds me of someone who has left. When I see parents coming to visit days at school with their children, I remember the situation with me and my parents and in one moment deepen my hate of them (yes, hate), my anger at God and my jealousy towards the person who God chose to bless with parents. This happens All. The. Time. When I see parents with their children, siblings together, good friends laughing together and couples holding hands around campus. I deepen my hate towards the people they remind me of, become angrier at God and become jealous of them. It's a truly vicious cycle.

Even though I did not admit it until tonight, I get mad that God is not punishing the people that have hurt me. In my silent, egocentric view of God and the world, I want God to punish the people that have hurt me, and reward me for not giving up on Him and life itself (which, being totally honest here, I have contemplated both at some time in my life). WHY IS HE BLESSING THOSE WHO HAVE SO DEEPLY WOUNDED ME!?! The people who BY THEIR CHOICE left me with wounds that I must bandage everyday?
Tonight, I even found myself saying this: "Why are you blessing them and not me, Lord? Am I not more worthy of Your blessing than they are? Although you have taken what feels like EVERYTHING from me, I am still here sitting in this pew praising You! God, I cannot sing in church because I am brought to tears because of my hurt. I life up my hands in worship to you, the God who gives and takes away, and choose to still worship You, even though You are taking things from me. God, I am giving up things that I love to follow you. I am worshiping You while You break me. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT WORSHIPING YOU! They are NOT turning to you, in fact they are running from you. Yet, You are choosing to bless them over me? You are giving to them the dreams you took from me. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!"

Additionally, people leaving has left me with some serious trust issues. I've gotten to a point where I refuse to be close to people. I don't want a best friend (even though I do), because I don't want to trust someone and have them leave. I don't ever want to date again (although I do) because I don't want to give someone permission to break my heart. In fact, I'll just push them all away. Which is what I've been doing. I don't even want to talk to my own family while at college because if something were to happen to them, I've convinced myself that the loss will be easier if I've distanced myself.

After all of that, you're probably thinking I have some wonderful answer to give. And, I don't. I wish I did, but I don't.

I know that I have a lot of issues to work through. I need to learn to be content with what God has given me, just as Paul had learned to do in Philippians 4. And how I need to learn to rejoice in every circumstance, just as He also told us to do in that chapter.

So, I can start by making a list of all of the blessings in my life. Blessings that I would like to share with you.

I'm thankful for my great-gramma Taylor (Jon-Jont). Who has been to every single event of mine and has written me one letter a week, without fail, even when I was in Ireland. I love her more than words can say.

I am thankful that God has allowed me to travel the world. Here I am in Northern Ireland. 

I am thankful for my mom. She was brave enough to choose to have me. She is also one of the most giving people I've met. She runs to help any friend in need and stands by them no matter what. She's endured more than many in her life, and I'm inspired by her determination to persevere.

I am thankful for my gramma Donna, who is my hero. She has loved me in a way that cannot be expressed in words. She has given up so much to raise me and allow me to follow my dreams. I love her in such a deep way.
And, for my youngest sister Kayli, who continues to look up to me although I fail her often.

For my beautiful Aunt April, who continues to be my best friend even though I can be so mean to her. She has been there for my through everything, and gets me in a way other people just don't.

For my two youngest cousins, Austin and Emma. Who love singing and talking about Jesus. They warm my heart.

For all of my other cousins who made growing up a blast (missing Corey). 

For these two beautiful girls, Abby and Olivia, sticking with me through thick and thin since we were 16. It's crazy to think all that has happened in 4 years!

And, for these new, amazing, Godly people that God has given me. I am thankful for each of them beyond words.

When I write out these blessings, how can I become bitter? Just in this post God has changed my heart. I AM BLESSED! He is BLESSING ME! I just looks different than I may like.

I'm a Failure with a Big God

Do you ever feel like a failure of a Christian? I think if we're honest we all have those days and moments. Even though we're saved, we're still sinners and will still mess up. Yesterday, I felt like the biggest failure of a Christian that I have ever felt. However, God did not punish me, He did not condemn me, and He didn't even remind me of how much of a failure I really am. Instead, He showed up. He showered me with comfort, mercy and peace. And today, I am having one of the most "in awe" moments of God that I have ever had.

Yesterday, my day started on a Jesus high. Everything was going great, I was feeling encouraged, and I had my internship at the Rape Crisis Center. In the midst of this Jesus high, I posted this as a Facebook status: "My first and only priority is to serve God. When I'm serving Him, everything else falls into place. If serving Him means giving up my own dreams and desires, I'm okay with that." I honestly did mean that, and I still do.

However, you would think that after saying "my first and only priority is to serve God", I'd have a pretty good attitude, and would be focused on my attitude for the rest of the day. But, my day started going downhill from there, and I totally forgot about that status of the Jesus high that I had been on.

On my way home a car cut me off and I swore. Then my gram called and I started stressing out about my trip and asked why God wasn't bringing in the money. Then I stopped to get gas and got frustrated because it told me I had to go inside to use the card. I was so frustrated that I left, only to see that the store put a $151 "hold" on my card since I had attempted to swipe it. I arrived back to campus grumpy, only to have someone say some very hurtful things to me. I called my aunt, crying, and when she didn't agree with me, I yelled at her and hung up. Then, my whole way to work, I yelled at God, and said some pretty mean things. My defense mechanism is "low-blowing" which means when I'm mad at someone, my jab to them is to say something that I know hits a nerve. So, to the God of the universe I said, "You don't even care about me, do you? You didn't give me parents, you didn't make me pretty, and now you're not giving me money! You don't care do you?"
Disclaimer: Looking back on this, and actually reading it, reminds me how foolish and immature I was. But, I'm just being honest about my faults.

For my job, I help take care of an elderly woman in her home. She needs help doing everything, and I enjoy serving her. That night, she began talking about how frustrated she was that she hadn't been able to walk in two years, and her hands were so shaky that she can't even write a letter. Wow, that humbled me.

As I sat there as she washed her hands, God began to humble me, by reminding me of the status I posted earlier. He pointed out my selfishness, harshness and immaturity. If I'm raising money for my trip to Africa because I am going where Christ wasn’t me, then isn't this Christ's trip? If Christ wants me to go, won't He raise the money? And if He doesn't want me to go, won't He not give me the money. Therefore, shouldn't I be okay with people not donating, or not donating as much as I think they should, because it is Christ's trip?

And, didn't God give me an amazing Gramma and Aunt (to whom I was just a huge jerk) to take care of me? Who are more attentive to me and do more things with me than many parents do with their own children? Hadn't He protected me, provided for me, and shown me grace in more ways than many others?

Tears began streaming down my face as I experience God's love, grace and forgiveness in a way that I hadn't in awhile. I was speechless. All I could say was, "God, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And I really felt Him say, "Krista, you're already forgiven."

As I was sitting there in awe, my phone vibrated. I went over, and sure enough, it was an email from Go Fund Me telling me that I had just received a gift for my trip. I began sobbing. I didn't deserve that gift. I didn't deserve God to just spoil me like that. I didn't deserve God's grace or forgiveness. And that's what makes God so amazing: we don't deserve any of it! We do not deserve His grace, mercy or forgiveness. But He loves us SO MUCH He showers us with it.

The first thing I did on the way home was call my Aunt and apologize, who, like God, loved me so much she'd already forgiven me. I was stunned.

But today, man, today God showed off. In my mailbox at schools someone left an anonymous gift of $400! And another friend gave $50! WOW! Just wow. In all of my failure, God cemented that He is God over all of the universe, even over money.

Today, as I'm writing this, I am in complete awe of the God I serve. And, although I still feel kind of like a failure, I am not. I am a sinner redeemed by grace. I am forgiven, and in Christ, there is not guilt nor condemnation, but instead repentance and freedom.

Why Being Single is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

Before I begin I'd like to give an important disclaimer: I am not against dating. I think dating, when people are mature and go about it correctly, is a wonderful thing. Dating looks different to different people, and how you date should be between you, God and your significant other. 

Also, when I talk about the pain of my last relationship, I am in no way saying my relationship was bad. It was not! I was blessed with a guy that protected my integrity. However, it simply was not what God wanted for our lives. I had pushed God out of my life and replaced Him with an idol: the relationship. That is probably what made the healing process so difficult. That being said, let me begin:

Six months ago, I never thought I would be at the place that I am now in my life. A place of complete peace, contentment with life, a faith so deep I cannot describe it with words and completely filled with joy. Six months ago, the thought of the breakup I went through in November would bring me to tears, I felt unsatisfied with God and was an emotional wreck. I. Was. Miserable. Although I was clinging tight to Jesus the peace and joy and just umph of life was not there. So, something drastic had to have happened to bring me to the place that I am now, a place 180 degrees from where I was six months ago. And, if you think about it, six months to make a complete life adjustment is a short amount of time. So, what radical thing happened? Singleness. Singleness happened. 

But, I was single 6 months ago, so am I contradicting myself? Absolutely not. Although my Facebook status may have read single, I was still clinging tightly to the broken pieces of the relationship. I was hanging too tightly to the memories, to the emotions, not only of him, but just of the relationship. What many people do not realize is how important a RELATIONSHIP is, and not just the person. For example, think of your best friend. You probably call them often, take time out of your busy schedule to do things with them, and just have wacky things that you do together. Now, imagine that they suddenly and unexpectedly left your life. Sure, you would miss THEM: their smile, humor, laugh, how they just GOT you. But, you would also miss the relationship: the phone calls, the coffee dates, the wacky things you did together. And, what I've come to learn, is that getting over the relationship actually takes longer. 

When May rolled around, I realized that I was sick of sulking, hurting and just being downright miserable. So, I had a pretty frank, pretty scary conversation with God. I cried out with my hurt, and how I wanted Him so desperately to fill the giant chunk left open in my heart. I had told Him this so many times, but this time not only did I say it, I handed Him over the broken pieces with my bloody hands that they had been cutting. I screamed out for wisdom. And, I did the radical and scary thing: I asked Jesus to make me fall in love with HIM! For Him to show me His goodness in a way I had never experienced. For Him to give me a passion to serve Him and put Him first in every single area of my life. For me to fall in love with Him again so deeply that I would understand what Paul meant when he said, "It is better for you to remain unmarried just as I am" (1 Cor. 7:8). And, I did the hardest thing of all: I asked God to fill me with so much passion, contentment and zeal for Him that if He never brought me a husband to serve with, I would be just as happy. Gulp. And, guess what? God showed up. BIG TIME.

About two weeks after I got home I went to the United Kingdom for 6 weeks. And, that's where God first really began to work. I had the blessing to be able to become really good friends with three fantastic Christian young men. By that time, in 2013, it had been the first time in almost THREE years that I really had deep conversations with guys. When I was dating I had a general rule of not getting into any emotional conversations with guys that I was not dating. So, I had put up this big wall. During the recovery stage, I was so scared of liking a guy again that I avoided guys almost all together. So, to have talks about faith, life and philosophy with wise, Godly young men, was such a blessing. It restored my faith and trust in young men. I also began to start a mental list of what I do want in a future husband. Scratch that, what my future husband will have to have: passion for God, servant heart and ability to talk about deep concepts. 

Me in Northern Ireland!

In Ireland, I also began to fall more in love with God. Being in such a beautiful place, and feeling His healing presence everyday, and being committed to spending daily quiet time alone with Him drew me closer to Him than I had ever been before. I felt the spiritual medicine working, I was beginning to heal. 

The day I landed back in the United States I began working as a camp counselor at a Christian summer camp near my home. WOAH! God really began to do some painful chiseling. Nothing reveals your own selfishness more than having to take care of 10 girls 24/7. Although talking to girls about salvation is more important than sleep, I found myself wanting sleep more. I found myself losing patience. I found my thoughts and motives not always being honorable. Here I was, trying to serve others, and God revealed sinful desires that were buried deep within my heart. If I had not completely committed myself to Him, He would have been unable to reveal those things to me and He certainly would not have been able to begin chiseling away at those things in my life. However, after 8 weeks, as I looked back through my prayer journal, I saw just how much God had changed me by changing my thoughts and motives. And man, I fell so in love with Him as I watched Him give me strength everyday, work in the lives of campers, and speak truth into me through awesome leadership and co-workers. 

Me at Wacky Wednesday at the Camp

So, here I am back in Arkansas at the campus where so much pain had happened. And thankfully, I have not had one single moment of sadness yet. Seriously. God opened doors for me in amazing ways this semester. I am closer to my friends than I ever was before, I have amazing guy friends, a kick butt roommate. But, more importantly, He is revealing the calling that He has for my life for me. I'm currently an intern at the Northwest Arkansas Rape Crisis Center. I have always had a heart for the sexually abused, but man, working here brings it to a whole new level! Even though I see and hear disgusting things, every time I leave, even after doing a survivor intake, I feel fulfilled. Emotionally drained, but fulfilled, because I am where God wants me. I am using the talents He gave me to do what He designed me to do. And, if it had not been for my breakup, for me being stripped of my comforts and deciding to give God everything, I would not be here. I don't know where I would be, but it would not be here. 

I am falling more and more in love with God every second of my life. He is showing me His goodness, His faithfulness, His awesomness. And, in this awesome season of singleness, where my only job and duty is to focus solely on the Lover of My Soul and serve Him by loving on the soul's of others, I am experiencing Him in a way I never could before. 

Today, My God Showed Off

http://www.alighthouse.com/godslove1.jpg

Everyday, God is awesome. He causes the sun to rise, paints rainbows, sends cool breezes, hears our prayers, calms our storms, gives us hope, gives us comfort...every single second, even in the worst moments of our lives, God is awesome. But today, God showed off. 

I am a weak, fragile human being. I've seen myself fail so much this week. I let some swears slip while trying to drive a stick shift through FIVE major cities at rush hour. I had judgmental thoughts. I've been worried about how this semester would pan out. I haven't had a quiet time in almost a week. Yeah...I've failed God a lot this week. 

And honestly, from a human perspective if I was God, I would be quite frustrated with me (Krista). He has done SO MUCH for me this past year. He has provided over and over and over again. He has comforted over and over and over again. When I cried out He showed up over and over and over again. Yet, for some reason, I still like to trust MY OWN plan. Instead of being in constant fellowship with God, I take breaks. After everything He has done for me, not only my entire life but ESPECIALLY this past year, I become frustrated that I'm still...well...human. But, in all of my brokenness, God showed up today in a BIG way. SO BIG that I was stunned. 

For the past year God has been pulling me back to Him, and at points I've had my heels dug in the sand. I gave up a full scholarship to pursue a degree I thought He was calling me to. He took people I deeply loved out of my life because they were distracting me from Him. He's open and closed big doors. All to bring me to TODAY. To *THIS* point. 

Today, I was offered an internship at the Northwest Arkansas Rape Crisis Center. This is a HUGE deal for me. This past year, although it has been so difficult I do not have a word to describe it, I've continually said yes to God, and no to me. And today, I saw that if we say yes to God He will bless and provide. 

This internship is huge not only because it's what I want to do (Special Victims Advocacy) but because this was the icing on the cake for having this semester work out. He provided me with a workstudy job I wanted. He gave me an extra job (which I began training for today). And, He gave me my dream internship. All of which works together so perfectly that it had to be ordained by Him. 

This week I have felt more peace and joy than I have ever felt in my entire life. And today, THREE PEOPLE saw that. I went to campus and three people said, "Krista, you look so different". When I asked them why, they all said in their various ways, "You just look so peaceful and joyful. Your entire demeanor has changed". That was such a blessing to hear. Because, my heart HAS changed. I have learned to trust in God in a way I never could have unless He had allowed me to walk through the hard time. And look what He just did: He gave me everything *I* wanted for the semester, because I was ultimately seeking *His* will for me. It's pretty awesome when we focus on making our desires what God wants for us.

So, God showed up today big time. He showed me that the pain I've gone through WAS worth it. He showed me how my heart IS changing. He just...blew me away. I know this all may sound petty, but just to actually SEE HIM work everything out; to know I was doing what He wanted, is amazing! To have others say I've changed is SO encouraging!

However, I am still human. And I still need lots of prayer. Tomorrow I have my meeting to figure out my work study schedule. Unless it fits in the very little time I have available, my whole schedule will fall apart. Even though God showed up today in a big way, I'm still tempted to worry. So please, pray for me!

The Road to Hating Myself

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This will probably be the most open, honest and personal blog post that I've ever written, and the idea of publishing it for the entire world to see is a little scary. However, I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I know that my story has value and that it's important to share.

So, I'm just going to be honest: I hate myself. I hate everything about myself: the way that I look, the way I talk, my level of smartness, my personality, everything right down to the color of my teeth. Getting to this dark, lonely place did not just happen, but instead was a long and painful road.

The Beginnings
As everyone knows, I had a rough early childhood. My dad was in jail and I don't remember meeting him until I was 5 (mind you, there are baby pictures with him in it. So he was there but I just didn't remember). He never reached out for me and I'm still continually shocked when he sends me a text on my birthday. He lived in the same town as me growing up but never reached out (okay, I can't say NEVER, but less than 5 times). In high school I went to his house two times a week hoping he'd notice me, hoping he'd reach out. Nope, he never did. Granted, things are better now. I've lowered my expectations and can't be disappointed and I understand that he's in a rough spot. It probably feels really weird to "push" yourself into the life of a child you barely know and who has a different family that she's always with. But, I tell myself, if I was prettier, nicer, smarter, SOMETHING, he would want to be with me more. But I'm not, so some seeds were planted to hate myself.

My mom is a similar situation. She just was not mature enough to have a baby as a teenager. She didn't know how to control her anger or how to balance friends and a baby. She would say mean, nasty things to me. If I was prettier, nicer, kinder, smarter SOMETHING she wouldn't say those things. She wouldn't hate me. (Side note: Mom and I are on much better grounds since I forgave her. I have an earlier blog post about that).

The women that did take care of me and were always there for me struggled with weight. Even though they were the kindest, nicest, most self-less people I've ever met, physical appearance was a huge (no pun intended) deal for them. So, as I grew up and became a pudgie child, SO MUCH emphasis was put on my appearance. I was overweight, I bit my nails, I didn't X or I didn't Y. Even though I know they just wanted the best for me, the seeds of, "You're not pretty, Krista" were planted. Continual failed diets only made this seed of ugliness grow.

Additionally, I never really had any friends growing up, I just didn't fit in. There was a girl down my road that I played with, but she was older and when she went to school our friendship ended. Throughout school I was picked on, teased and just left out. Again, if I was prettier, smarter, kinder they would like me.

High School
During high school things began to change, or, so I thought. I had a best friend. She enjoyed sports and school and science just like I did. However, she ended up ending the friendship my junior year of a Physics notebook. This was probably just the tip of the iceberg for her, but again, I wasn't good enough for someone. If I was so great, she wouldn't have left.

 I developed a core group of close Christian girl friends, and although they lived about 2 hours away, we saw each other almost every weekend. I began dating a super sweet Christian guy who was also athletic and attractive. Dating him made me feel pretty. He was always just a text away when I needed comfort and for the first time between him and my girl friends I felt wanted.

Academically I was also excelling (except in math, math made me feel stupid so I quit). I set the record for the most AP classes taken at my school and completed 2 years of college my junior and senior year. I received a lot of scholarships and was accepted into some pretty selective schools. FINALLY, I thought, I was good enough. However, what I've come to realize is that I was only covering up my wounds instead of fixing them.

The Semester from Hell
Once again, my world came crashing down. I entered college on a full Biology scholarship. However, quickly my world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with mono about a month into school, and a pretty severe case at that. Unable to focus on my school work, my grades slowly slipped into the C and F range. I've always found my comfort in my academic abilities, but I wasn't good enough for college science I told myself, so I quit. And I left the scholarship.

My best friend from high school started going through the roughest time in her life. Through time and distance, we stopped talking, and slowly I've lost our friendship. She chose a boyfriend over me. Again, if I as just a better person, this wouldn't have happened.

The hardest thing to loose though, was my boyfriend. Although I felt our relationship slipping from my fingers I tried so desperately hard to save it. Emotionally, I needed him. But, he left. Again, if I was prettier, nicer, skinnier, funnier, a better Christian, he would have stayed, right?

Today
All of these events have convinced me that I am not pretty, or smart, or really anything. I'm just loud, inappropriate, uneducated, poor and stupid. Honestly, that's how I see myself. I hide all of these insecurities behind a smile and an outgoing personality.

Here in Ireland, I've realized I have a problem. I've grown to hate myself so much that it is impossible for me to taking a compliment. A few times a girl on my trip told me that I looked pretty. My immediate reaction was to think, "Obviously she doesn't see how fat I am". Other people have complimented my personality or things that I've done and my first thought is, "They just feel bad for me". Here's the hard part: I CONSTANTLY feel like a burden on people. When I start to get too close to someone, or a friendship begins to form, I feel uncomfortable and I want to break the friendship. After all, they're just going to leave, right? Just like everyone else. So I might as well end it before I do the TERRIBLE thing of trusting them and depending on them, right? Not only are my friendships hindered, but all relationships. If I "force" you talk to to me for more than 5 minutes, I feel uncomfortable. After all, I'm wasting your time.
Last night, I was talking to a friend, and I realized I had a problem. After 5 minutes I felt uncomfortable, I kept telling myself I had to leave because I was forcing myself upon them and wasting their time because they really didn't want to talk with me, even though they really did!

What I'm Doing
God gave me awesome qualities: I'm empathetic, I am kind, I can be funny, I'm determined, and I have a perseverance that is difficult to match. These are AWESOME qualities. Additionally, God made me to be a beautiful person. I need to focus on these and other truths in scripture.

God loves me in a crazy kind of way. As Paul said to the Romans, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 I am WORTHY of being loved because Christ loves me. I am worthy because Christ tells me so. 

Perspective is everything in life, and I need to change my perspective, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." Psalm 31:30 
I need to change my perspective! I need to stop focusing on charm (my personality, although it's important) and my appearance and start focusing on serving others, loving others, and seeing myself as Christ sees me: a redeemed, forgiven person! How much it must hurt Christ for me to see myself the way that I do. 

So, I'm asking you to pray for me. I need a lot of healing and I also need to know how to heal. I need to change my perspective, and this is hard. Also, if you've gone through a similar experience (I know some of you have!) please DO NOT FEEL ALONE! Feel free to reach out, too. 

My God is so good to me. I need to start embracing His truths about me, a co-heir in Christ. 

"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.  You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:3-4