I've Become Bitter

Tonight, I realized that I've allowed the trials of the past few years to make me bitter.

I do a pretty good job at hiding this bitterness, and at times I can even fool myself. I smile, a lot. I laugh, a lot. I enjoy helping other, a lot. And, I even enjoy talking about how awesome God is and how He's provided for me, a lot. But, when push comes to shove, I'm bitter.

Bitterness, is a strange and evil thing. It's hate, jealousy, self-pity, anger at God, unforgivness and discontentment all wrapped it one giant ball of awfulness and cleverly tucked somewhere between your stomach and your heart.

There are a lot of people that have hurt me in my life; people who I trusted and depended upon that have, by their own choice, left me. Every single day something happens that reminds me of someone who has left. When I see parents coming to visit days at school with their children, I remember the situation with me and my parents and in one moment deepen my hate of them (yes, hate), my anger at God and my jealousy towards the person who God chose to bless with parents. This happens All. The. Time. When I see parents with their children, siblings together, good friends laughing together and couples holding hands around campus. I deepen my hate towards the people they remind me of, become angrier at God and become jealous of them. It's a truly vicious cycle.

Even though I did not admit it until tonight, I get mad that God is not punishing the people that have hurt me. In my silent, egocentric view of God and the world, I want God to punish the people that have hurt me, and reward me for not giving up on Him and life itself (which, being totally honest here, I have contemplated both at some time in my life). WHY IS HE BLESSING THOSE WHO HAVE SO DEEPLY WOUNDED ME!?! The people who BY THEIR CHOICE left me with wounds that I must bandage everyday?
Tonight, I even found myself saying this: "Why are you blessing them and not me, Lord? Am I not more worthy of Your blessing than they are? Although you have taken what feels like EVERYTHING from me, I am still here sitting in this pew praising You! God, I cannot sing in church because I am brought to tears because of my hurt. I life up my hands in worship to you, the God who gives and takes away, and choose to still worship You, even though You are taking things from me. God, I am giving up things that I love to follow you. I am worshiping You while You break me. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT WORSHIPING YOU! They are NOT turning to you, in fact they are running from you. Yet, You are choosing to bless them over me? You are giving to them the dreams you took from me. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!"

Additionally, people leaving has left me with some serious trust issues. I've gotten to a point where I refuse to be close to people. I don't want a best friend (even though I do), because I don't want to trust someone and have them leave. I don't ever want to date again (although I do) because I don't want to give someone permission to break my heart. In fact, I'll just push them all away. Which is what I've been doing. I don't even want to talk to my own family while at college because if something were to happen to them, I've convinced myself that the loss will be easier if I've distanced myself.

After all of that, you're probably thinking I have some wonderful answer to give. And, I don't. I wish I did, but I don't.

I know that I have a lot of issues to work through. I need to learn to be content with what God has given me, just as Paul had learned to do in Philippians 4. And how I need to learn to rejoice in every circumstance, just as He also told us to do in that chapter.

So, I can start by making a list of all of the blessings in my life. Blessings that I would like to share with you.

I'm thankful for my great-gramma Taylor (Jon-Jont). Who has been to every single event of mine and has written me one letter a week, without fail, even when I was in Ireland. I love her more than words can say.

I am thankful that God has allowed me to travel the world. Here I am in Northern Ireland. 

I am thankful for my mom. She was brave enough to choose to have me. She is also one of the most giving people I've met. She runs to help any friend in need and stands by them no matter what. She's endured more than many in her life, and I'm inspired by her determination to persevere.

I am thankful for my gramma Donna, who is my hero. She has loved me in a way that cannot be expressed in words. She has given up so much to raise me and allow me to follow my dreams. I love her in such a deep way.
And, for my youngest sister Kayli, who continues to look up to me although I fail her often.

For my beautiful Aunt April, who continues to be my best friend even though I can be so mean to her. She has been there for my through everything, and gets me in a way other people just don't.

For my two youngest cousins, Austin and Emma. Who love singing and talking about Jesus. They warm my heart.

For all of my other cousins who made growing up a blast (missing Corey). 

For these two beautiful girls, Abby and Olivia, sticking with me through thick and thin since we were 16. It's crazy to think all that has happened in 4 years!

And, for these new, amazing, Godly people that God has given me. I am thankful for each of them beyond words.

When I write out these blessings, how can I become bitter? Just in this post God has changed my heart. I AM BLESSED! He is BLESSING ME! I just looks different than I may like.

I'm a Failure with a Big God

Do you ever feel like a failure of a Christian? I think if we're honest we all have those days and moments. Even though we're saved, we're still sinners and will still mess up. Yesterday, I felt like the biggest failure of a Christian that I have ever felt. However, God did not punish me, He did not condemn me, and He didn't even remind me of how much of a failure I really am. Instead, He showed up. He showered me with comfort, mercy and peace. And today, I am having one of the most "in awe" moments of God that I have ever had.

Yesterday, my day started on a Jesus high. Everything was going great, I was feeling encouraged, and I had my internship at the Rape Crisis Center. In the midst of this Jesus high, I posted this as a Facebook status: "My first and only priority is to serve God. When I'm serving Him, everything else falls into place. If serving Him means giving up my own dreams and desires, I'm okay with that." I honestly did mean that, and I still do.

However, you would think that after saying "my first and only priority is to serve God", I'd have a pretty good attitude, and would be focused on my attitude for the rest of the day. But, my day started going downhill from there, and I totally forgot about that status of the Jesus high that I had been on.

On my way home a car cut me off and I swore. Then my gram called and I started stressing out about my trip and asked why God wasn't bringing in the money. Then I stopped to get gas and got frustrated because it told me I had to go inside to use the card. I was so frustrated that I left, only to see that the store put a $151 "hold" on my card since I had attempted to swipe it. I arrived back to campus grumpy, only to have someone say some very hurtful things to me. I called my aunt, crying, and when she didn't agree with me, I yelled at her and hung up. Then, my whole way to work, I yelled at God, and said some pretty mean things. My defense mechanism is "low-blowing" which means when I'm mad at someone, my jab to them is to say something that I know hits a nerve. So, to the God of the universe I said, "You don't even care about me, do you? You didn't give me parents, you didn't make me pretty, and now you're not giving me money! You don't care do you?"
Disclaimer: Looking back on this, and actually reading it, reminds me how foolish and immature I was. But, I'm just being honest about my faults.

For my job, I help take care of an elderly woman in her home. She needs help doing everything, and I enjoy serving her. That night, she began talking about how frustrated she was that she hadn't been able to walk in two years, and her hands were so shaky that she can't even write a letter. Wow, that humbled me.

As I sat there as she washed her hands, God began to humble me, by reminding me of the status I posted earlier. He pointed out my selfishness, harshness and immaturity. If I'm raising money for my trip to Africa because I am going where Christ wasn’t me, then isn't this Christ's trip? If Christ wants me to go, won't He raise the money? And if He doesn't want me to go, won't He not give me the money. Therefore, shouldn't I be okay with people not donating, or not donating as much as I think they should, because it is Christ's trip?

And, didn't God give me an amazing Gramma and Aunt (to whom I was just a huge jerk) to take care of me? Who are more attentive to me and do more things with me than many parents do with their own children? Hadn't He protected me, provided for me, and shown me grace in more ways than many others?

Tears began streaming down my face as I experience God's love, grace and forgiveness in a way that I hadn't in awhile. I was speechless. All I could say was, "God, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." And I really felt Him say, "Krista, you're already forgiven."

As I was sitting there in awe, my phone vibrated. I went over, and sure enough, it was an email from Go Fund Me telling me that I had just received a gift for my trip. I began sobbing. I didn't deserve that gift. I didn't deserve God to just spoil me like that. I didn't deserve God's grace or forgiveness. And that's what makes God so amazing: we don't deserve any of it! We do not deserve His grace, mercy or forgiveness. But He loves us SO MUCH He showers us with it.

The first thing I did on the way home was call my Aunt and apologize, who, like God, loved me so much she'd already forgiven me. I was stunned.

But today, man, today God showed off. In my mailbox at schools someone left an anonymous gift of $400! And another friend gave $50! WOW! Just wow. In all of my failure, God cemented that He is God over all of the universe, even over money.

Today, as I'm writing this, I am in complete awe of the God I serve. And, although I still feel kind of like a failure, I am not. I am a sinner redeemed by grace. I am forgiven, and in Christ, there is not guilt nor condemnation, but instead repentance and freedom.