My Biggest Sin Issue

http://gaypoly.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/2010-11-05-jealousy.jpg

Disclaimer: The above picture is just super cute and is only kind of related to my post :-)

Okay, so here's me be open and honest to the entire internet world: Okay, well, more to like the 20 or so people that read my blog posts :-)

I'm going to open myself up tonight a lot more than I usual do, and talk about my current biggest sin issue. Although when I say current, I should say the sin issue that has been plaguing me all semester. Although I've struggle with it my entire life, this semester it has been particularly bad this semester. 

I have a serious jealousy issue. To many of you this may not seem like that big of an issue, but I've begun to notice how it is beginning to creep into almost all of my relationships. 

Although I get jealous about just about everything, although I hardly ever verbalize it, the two things I get most jealous about are money and relationships. Not money in the sense that I want to be rich, but money in the sense that it annoys the snot out of me when I feel people don't have to work for anything. You know, heiresses or just incredibly lucky people. 

This past year has been tough financially for me. I've worked two jobs while trying to run my own organic cookie dough business just to make ends meet. I don't have a car, because every single penny I have goes to paying for living expenses since my family is unable to help pay for any of my school. So, here I am working my butt off just to make my school payments on time and buy toothpast at Wal-Mart and there a kids driving around $40,000 cars. They don't have to do workstudy. They don't have to do anything. Yup, I'm jealous. 

Or, even more than money is relationships. I get SO JEALOUS of people that have stable family lives that I find myself getting angry towards THEM, even though they didn't choose which family to be born into. I get jealous when people have awesome boyfriends, because I've been single for 6 months now and 0 guys have shown actual interest. Other people are getting engaged and married, and even though that would not work well in my life right now, I get jealous because that's what I want some day. 

Although I have these feelings, I don't verbalize them. Even though jealousy eats me to the core I try to smile and pretend that I'm happy for everyone. And, although I am happy, part of me wishes that I could switch lives with them for just a few hours. 

God has really been working on my heart these past few weeks. And, to anyone else out there struggling with jealousy, I'd like to share what I've learned. 

First, why is jealousy bad? I believe it's bad because it directly takes away from the joy that I should have about what God is doing in my own life. I should not seek to have the life or story that someone else has because I am not them. I should not want the same story that someone else has. I should be excited about everything that God is doing in my life. 

I also need to learn to be content where God has placed me. As Paul said when he was in jail and writing to the church in Phillipi, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Phil. 4:12) Again, I need to be excited for what God is doing in the lives of others and also what He is doing in my own life. 

When I became a Christian, I agreed to give up all of my own wants and desires for what God wants for me. If God has a plan for me that involves not getting married, not only do I need to be okay with that, I should be excited for that because His plans are SO MUCH BETTER than anything I could ever want. Because, well, He's God and knows me and everything better than I ever will. 

Finally, jealously hurts relationships. I've seen it first hand. I become ill intentioned about EVERYTHING and almost towards EVERYONE because EVERYONE has something that I want (or so it seems). How can I really love someone if I'm secretly resenting them? How can I really be friends with them when I can't listen to their hurt because I'm constantly comparing it to my own? The truth is I can't. One day I want people to look at my and see the love of Christ. I can't do this if I have jealousy. 

I hope that if you're struggling with jealousy I've been able to encourage you a little bit :-) 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" (James 5:16)

God is *CRAZY*

Our God is crazy. Like, crazy, crazy, CRAY-ZEE!!! As I'm writing this, I cannot stop smiling and I feel like joy is literally spilling out of me as I am completely overwhelmed by His Awesome Craziness!

This entire semester, as you can see with my blog posts, I've been really struggling with the goodness of God. Even though by many standards I have never had something "terrible" (I've never been raped, I've never lost a child, I've never been tortured, ext.) happen to me, I personally feel like these past 3 years have taken me to Hell and back. Especially these last 9 months. I've been seriously battling thoughts of, "If God is a good God, why would He do this? Why would He allow this to happen to me?" And, this week God has DONE AMAZING THINGS in my life! 

(Let me give a little background)

I had an epiphany this week in church on Easter. God's goodness is in no way whatsoever dependent upon my current circumstances or state of happiness. God demonstrated His goodness just by creating everything to work perfect. And then, He did His first CRAZY thing! He gave people the choice to follow Him. When they didn't (HERE'S THE CRAZY PART!) He didn't just destroy everything and start again. What He did was put in place this CRAZY plan for redemption because He loved them and us so much. This love in impossible to describe. But, anyways, back to me:

God demonstrated His crazy, intense, impossible to comprehend love for me before I was even born. The entire Old Testament, every single miracle, every single act of divine forgiveness, was all done so Christ could be born. And, the main reason Christ was born was to die. To die for me. To be offered as the only sacrifice that was good enough to cover all sins for forever. If He couldn't have forgiven my sins, He wouldn't have come, because it needed to cover everyone for forever. 

On Good Friday I attempted to watch "The Passion of the Christ" with some friends, and couldn't bear to watch the whipping scene let alone His crucifixion. But, guess what, He suffered all that pain for me! Yup, crazy, crazy, love!

NOW TO MY MAIN POINT (Sorry for the long introduction, just on a serious God high right now!) 

So, Easter weekend, I really began to realize God's goodness. As I thought back on the ways He provided for me last semester, I was in awe. And, well, then this week happened and now I'm balling with joy like a baby. 

Monday night I was yet again struggling with God's goodness. For some reason, out of no where, I was having a really difficult time being single. I missed my relationship, I missed the person, I just missed everything. And then, it got to the point where I didn't miss the specifics, I just missed having a FB relationship heart, a guy to text and someone to tell me they loved me before I went to bed (I know, pathetic, but in the moment it was all very real). And so, naturally, I began to question God's goodness. I as questioned God's goodness, I remembered how I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for the rest of my tuition. And then I got mad at God for not allowing a loan I wanted to go through. And then I got mad at God for not giving me the home life I wanted and, yeah. ONE BIG, WORRYING, FREAKING OUT MESS! 

I began talking to a friend who told me about King David. At first I was slightly frustrated. I appreciated his effort in trying to comfort me, but I really just wanted someone to tell me what I wanted to hear (don't we all when we're mad?). Anyways, he explained King David (let's call him KD) in a way I'd never explained before. GOD HIMSELF had promised David he'd be king. Yet, he had to live in nasty caves and suffer a lot of 10 years. He suffered a lot. And, most of the book of Psalms is like one giant vent to God that we can read from him. But, here's what my friend said that really hit a chord with me, "King David never saw himself as the great man we see him as today. We just see humility, repentance, worship, love.... He saw just another man with his problems trying to obey the will of God." WOW! He was right. What if God was doing something similar in my life? What if God was doing something AWESOME In my life that I can't see for many years? I pushed the thought away and tried to go to sleep. 

Tuesday morning, I really think God spoke to me. I was in chapel and we singing "Sovereign" by Christ Tomlin. There was a line that really struck me: "In Your never failing love, You work everything for good, God whatever comes my way I will trust You". In that moment I really felt God say to me, "Krista, look at ALL THE THINGS I've done for you. I demonstrated my love to you before you were born. The fact that you're worshiping me at a Christian college is a testament to My grace in your life. I provided for you in awesome ways last semester, why do you think I'll stop? Why do you not trust My ways when I love you in a way you will never fully understand? WHY DO YOU NOT TRUST ME?" Yup, you guessed it, I started balling. It was the first time in 3 years that I was really struck with God's grace, goodness, faithfulness  and CRAZY LOVE!

And then, I felt God smile at me and laugh a little bit because my school staff dropped dozens of big balloons on us from the balcony. Balloons are one of my FAVORITE things in the entire world, and God knows that, but I don't think I've told anyone at school. I felt God smile on me. 

And then today, here's where the CRAZY things happened. 

1) I really came to a place of closure today. Randomly, but I felt this overwhelming sense of peace come over me. No more guilt, no more regret, no more missing being in a relationship  Just complete and perfect peace and happiness where God has me. 

2) God provided several thousand dollars. THIS IS HUGE! This covers my summer tuition and some of my fall tuition. The hardest thing to trust God with for me is money and this just blew my mind. I had tried so hard to get a loan, but He continually closed those doors because He knew this would happen. 

I know this was long and I babbled a lot, but hopefully the complete awe of God and joy that I'm feeling in at this new level of trust came through in my writing and encouraged you!
I'm dancing today like I never have before! GOD IS SO CRAZY!!

Here's an awesome song (don't like the singer, but listen to the lyrics)