Before I begin I'd like to give an important disclaimer: I am not against dating. I think dating, when people are mature and go about it correctly, is a wonderful thing. Dating looks different to different people, and how you date should be between you, God and your significant other.
Also, when I talk about the pain of my last relationship, I am in no way saying my relationship was bad. It was not! I was blessed with a guy that protected my integrity. However, it simply was not what God wanted for our lives. I had pushed God out of my life and replaced Him with an idol: the relationship. That is probably what made the healing process so difficult. That being said, let me begin:
Six months ago, I never thought I would be at the place that I am now in my life. A place of complete peace, contentment with life, a faith so deep I cannot describe it with words and completely filled with joy. Six months ago, the thought of the breakup I went through in November would bring me to tears, I felt unsatisfied with God and was an emotional wreck. I. Was. Miserable. Although I was clinging tight to Jesus the peace and joy and just umph of life was not there. So, something drastic had to have happened to bring me to the place that I am now, a place 180 degrees from where I was six months ago. And, if you think about it, six months to make a complete life adjustment is a short amount of time. So, what radical thing happened? Singleness. Singleness happened.
But, I was single 6 months ago, so am I contradicting myself? Absolutely not. Although my Facebook status may have read single, I was still clinging tightly to the broken pieces of the relationship. I was hanging too tightly to the memories, to the emotions, not only of him, but just of the relationship. What many people do not realize is how important a RELATIONSHIP is, and not just the person. For example, think of your best friend. You probably call them often, take time out of your busy schedule to do things with them, and just have wacky things that you do together. Now, imagine that they suddenly and unexpectedly left your life. Sure, you would miss THEM: their smile, humor, laugh, how they just GOT you. But, you would also miss the relationship: the phone calls, the coffee dates, the wacky things you did together. And, what I've come to learn, is that getting over the relationship actually takes longer.
When May rolled around, I realized that I was sick of sulking, hurting and just being downright miserable. So, I had a pretty frank, pretty scary conversation with God. I cried out with my hurt, and how I wanted Him so desperately to fill the giant chunk left open in my heart. I had told Him this so many times, but this time not only did I say it, I handed Him over the broken pieces with my bloody hands that they had been cutting. I screamed out for wisdom. And, I did the radical and scary thing: I asked Jesus to make me fall in love with HIM! For Him to show me His goodness in a way I had never experienced. For Him to give me a passion to serve Him and put Him first in every single area of my life. For me to fall in love with Him again so deeply that I would understand what Paul meant when he said, "It is better for you to remain unmarried just as I am" (1 Cor. 7:8). And, I did the hardest thing of all: I asked God to fill me with so much passion, contentment and zeal for Him that if He never brought me a husband to serve with, I would be just as happy. Gulp. And, guess what? God showed up. BIG TIME.
About two weeks after I got home I went to the United Kingdom for 6 weeks. And, that's where God first really began to work. I had the blessing to be able to become really good friends with three fantastic Christian young men. By that time, in 2013, it had been the first time in almost THREE years that I really had deep conversations with guys. When I was dating I had a general rule of not getting into any emotional conversations with guys that I was not dating. So, I had put up this big wall. During the recovery stage, I was so scared of liking a guy again that I avoided guys almost all together. So, to have talks about faith, life and philosophy with wise, Godly young men, was such a blessing. It restored my faith and trust in young men. I also began to start a mental list of what I do want in a future husband. Scratch that, what my future husband will have to have: passion for God, servant heart and ability to talk about deep concepts.
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| Me in Northern Ireland! |
In Ireland, I also began to fall more in love with God. Being in such a beautiful place, and feeling His healing presence everyday, and being committed to spending daily quiet time alone with Him drew me closer to Him than I had ever been before. I felt the spiritual medicine working, I was beginning to heal.
The day I landed back in the United States I began working as a camp counselor at a Christian summer camp near my home. WOAH! God really began to do some painful chiseling. Nothing reveals your own selfishness more than having to take care of 10 girls 24/7. Although talking to girls about salvation is more important than sleep, I found myself wanting sleep more. I found myself losing patience. I found my thoughts and motives not always being honorable. Here I was, trying to serve others, and God revealed sinful desires that were buried deep within my heart. If I had not completely committed myself to Him, He would have been unable to reveal those things to me and He certainly would not have been able to begin chiseling away at those things in my life. However, after 8 weeks, as I looked back through my prayer journal, I saw just how much God had changed me by changing my thoughts and motives. And man, I fell so in love with Him as I watched Him give me strength everyday, work in the lives of campers, and speak truth into me through awesome leadership and co-workers.
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| Me at Wacky Wednesday at the Camp |
So, here I am back in Arkansas at the campus where so much pain had happened. And thankfully, I have not had one single moment of sadness yet. Seriously. God opened doors for me in amazing ways this semester. I am closer to my friends than I ever was before, I have amazing guy friends, a kick butt roommate. But, more importantly, He is revealing the calling that He has for my life for me. I'm currently an intern at the Northwest Arkansas Rape Crisis Center. I have always had a heart for the sexually abused, but man, working here brings it to a whole new level! Even though I see and hear disgusting things, every time I leave, even after doing a survivor intake, I feel fulfilled. Emotionally drained, but fulfilled, because I am where God wants me. I am using the talents He gave me to do what He designed me to do. And, if it had not been for my breakup, for me being stripped of my comforts and deciding to give God everything, I would not be here. I don't know where I would be, but it would not be here.
I am falling more and more in love with God every second of my life. He is showing me His goodness, His faithfulness, His awesomness. And, in this awesome season of singleness, where my only job and duty is to focus solely on the Lover of My Soul and serve Him by loving on the soul's of others, I am experiencing Him in a way I never could before.
