This will probably be the most open, honest and personal blog post that I've ever written, and the idea of publishing it for the entire world to see is a little scary. However, I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I know that my story has value and that it's important to share.
So, I'm just going to be honest: I hate myself. I hate everything about myself: the way that I look, the way I talk, my level of smartness, my personality, everything right down to the color of my teeth. Getting to this dark, lonely place did not just happen, but instead was a long and painful road.
The Beginnings
As everyone knows, I had a rough early childhood. My dad was in jail and I don't remember meeting him until I was 5 (mind you, there are baby pictures with him in it. So he was there but I just didn't remember). He never reached out for me and I'm still continually shocked when he sends me a text on my birthday. He lived in the same town as me growing up but never reached out (okay, I can't say NEVER, but less than 5 times). In high school I went to his house two times a week hoping he'd notice me, hoping he'd reach out. Nope, he never did. Granted, things are better now. I've lowered my expectations and can't be disappointed and I understand that he's in a rough spot. It probably feels really weird to "push" yourself into the life of a child you barely know and who has a different family that she's always with. But, I tell myself, if I was prettier, nicer, smarter, SOMETHING, he would want to be with me more. But I'm not, so some seeds were planted to hate myself.
My mom is a similar situation. She just was not mature enough to have a baby as a teenager. She didn't know how to control her anger or how to balance friends and a baby. She would say mean, nasty things to me. If I was prettier, nicer, kinder, smarter SOMETHING she wouldn't say those things. She wouldn't hate me. (Side note: Mom and I are on much better grounds since I forgave her. I have an earlier blog post about that).
The women that did take care of me and were always there for me struggled with weight. Even though they were the kindest, nicest, most self-less people I've ever met, physical appearance was a huge (no pun intended) deal for them. So, as I grew up and became a pudgie child, SO MUCH emphasis was put on my appearance. I was overweight, I bit my nails, I didn't X or I didn't Y. Even though I know they just wanted the best for me, the seeds of, "You're not pretty, Krista" were planted. Continual failed diets only made this seed of ugliness grow.
Additionally, I never really had any friends growing up, I just didn't fit in. There was a girl down my road that I played with, but she was older and when she went to school our friendship ended. Throughout school I was picked on, teased and just left out. Again, if I was prettier, smarter, kinder they would like me.
High School
During high school things began to change, or, so I thought. I had a best friend. She enjoyed sports and school and science just like I did. However, she ended up ending the friendship my junior year of a Physics notebook. This was probably just the tip of the iceberg for her, but again, I wasn't good enough for someone. If I was so great, she wouldn't have left.
I developed a core group of close Christian girl friends, and although they lived about 2 hours away, we saw each other almost every weekend. I began dating a super sweet Christian guy who was also athletic and attractive. Dating him made me feel pretty. He was always just a text away when I needed comfort and for the first time between him and my girl friends I felt wanted.
Academically I was also excelling (except in math, math made me feel stupid so I quit). I set the record for the most AP classes taken at my school and completed 2 years of college my junior and senior year. I received a lot of scholarships and was accepted into some pretty selective schools. FINALLY, I thought, I was good enough. However, what I've come to realize is that I was only covering up my wounds instead of fixing them.
The Semester from Hell
Once again, my world came crashing down. I entered college on a full Biology scholarship. However, quickly my world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with mono about a month into school, and a pretty severe case at that. Unable to focus on my school work, my grades slowly slipped into the C and F range. I've always found my comfort in my academic abilities, but I wasn't good enough for college science I told myself, so I quit. And I left the scholarship.
My best friend from high school started going through the roughest time in her life. Through time and distance, we stopped talking, and slowly I've lost our friendship. She chose a boyfriend over me. Again, if I as just a better person, this wouldn't have happened.
The hardest thing to loose though, was my boyfriend. Although I felt our relationship slipping from my fingers I tried so desperately hard to save it. Emotionally, I needed him. But, he left. Again, if I was prettier, nicer, skinnier, funnier, a better Christian, he would have stayed, right?
Today
All of these events have convinced me that I am not pretty, or smart, or really anything. I'm just loud, inappropriate, uneducated, poor and stupid. Honestly, that's how I see myself. I hide all of these insecurities behind a smile and an outgoing personality.
Here in Ireland, I've realized I have a problem. I've grown to hate myself so much that it is impossible for me to taking a compliment. A few times a girl on my trip told me that I looked pretty. My immediate reaction was to think, "Obviously she doesn't see how fat I am". Other people have complimented my personality or things that I've done and my first thought is, "They just feel bad for me". Here's the hard part: I CONSTANTLY feel like a burden on people. When I start to get too close to someone, or a friendship begins to form, I feel uncomfortable and I want to break the friendship. After all, they're just going to leave, right? Just like everyone else. So I might as well end it before I do the TERRIBLE thing of trusting them and depending on them, right? Not only are my friendships hindered, but all relationships. If I "force" you talk to to me for more than 5 minutes, I feel uncomfortable. After all, I'm wasting your time.
Last night, I was talking to a friend, and I realized I had a problem. After 5 minutes I felt uncomfortable, I kept telling myself I had to leave because I was forcing myself upon them and wasting their time because they really didn't want to talk with me, even though they really did!
What I'm Doing
God gave me awesome qualities: I'm empathetic, I am kind, I can be funny, I'm determined, and I have a perseverance that is difficult to match. These are AWESOME qualities. Additionally, God made me to be a beautiful person. I need to focus on these and other truths in scripture.
God loves me in a crazy kind of way. As Paul said to the Romans, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 I am WORTHY of being loved because Christ loves me. I am worthy because Christ tells me so.
Perspective is everything in life, and I need to change my perspective, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." Psalm 31:30
I need to change my perspective! I need to stop focusing on charm (my personality, although it's important) and my appearance and start focusing on serving others, loving others, and seeing myself as Christ sees me: a redeemed, forgiven person! How much it must hurt Christ for me to see myself the way that I do.
So, I'm asking you to pray for me. I need a lot of healing and I also need to know how to heal. I need to change my perspective, and this is hard. Also, if you've gone through a similar experience (I know some of you have!) please DO NOT FEEL ALONE! Feel free to reach out, too.
My God is so good to me. I need to start embracing His truths about me, a co-heir in Christ.
"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:3-4
